Greetings Sciwriter

I am reviewing "Diamond Casebooks "  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 9 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


OVERALL IMPRESSION
I'm not much into sci-fi, but this was an easy read. There was enough descriptions so that I could follow along and not feel completely lost. I like the character of Diamond, that he is for the most part broke, and doesn't get to pick and choose his paying assignments. He has a nice sense of humor.

What I Liked Best:
Your main character has a lot going on, seems to be on the downside of life, which makes me want to follow along and root for him, hoping things will turn around in his favor.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence:
Your first sentence is rather long, but it does introduce to your main character right away, which is a good thing.

Opening Paragraph:
Looking up passed the rooftop of the drab brown building opposite that houses the Centura loan centre <--is this missing something? opposite what? It threw me a little bit. You did have good description of the storm and rain, that Diamond wasn't in a happy place. The imagery worked.

Plot:
Diamond gets his latest job, unhappily, but since he cannot pass up the money, he finds himself heading off to locate Fizz and Hackar, with the help of Apri. He isn't happy to have a chaperone, but has not choice since she will be able to help him locate a mysterious item.

Character Development:
Apri is an android that accompanies Diamond. She easily comes to his rescue on their journey. Diamond is in need of work, and takes what he's offered, not having much of a choice since the Syndicate demands it. He is an interesting character, and I felt bad for him that his secretary, Della, left, leaving him on his own.

Dialog:
The dialogue between your characters worked well. Apri's voice reminded me of the way Siri speaks. Good job with that. I enjoyed Diamond's inner dialogue. Holburn spoke just as smarmy as you painted him to be.

Spelling & Punctuation:
..had she still been with me would have finished them days ago and neatly filed them away.or had them neatly filed away.

which meant I was a forced to use Sempra’s public transportation system.

a figure that could easily melt the hardened resolve of the most unscrupulous criminal.

Apri gently nudges my arm bringing my mind wondering wandering to an abrupt end

Grammar:
I didn't find any issues here

Continuity:
The story moves along at a decent pace. There are a few areas where I wondered if the information was important to the plot. For instance, the Japora security scene. It pulled me out of the flow of the story. If it doesn't have importance later on in the book, then consider removing it. Also the scene with the taxi. It also slowed things down for me. I wanted to get to the action, back to his mission of what his purpose was for going to Japora in the first place. The last scene in the Canteen brought the action back and help my attention.

Form:
Your descriptions kept me involved and reading forward. The above scenes didn't and felt like dumping information.

Clarity:
You laid out the plot well in the beginning and brought it home by the end of the chapter. The middle read a little sluggish as they made their way to Japora. I think it would've read better without the trip getting a chunk of the story.

Hook:
Diamond's plight and impending assignment is your hook. That was clear. The run-in with Fazool to get information, and Apri saving his life was a good action scene. Diamond got the information he needed, which gave us more questions about Hackar and Fizz, and moved Diamond further in his search.

CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION

Structure:
I think omitting the journey to Japora would make the first chapter stronger. You had good action in the beginning and the end, but the middle weighed it down for me.

Figurative Language & Vocabulary:
You were colorful with your wording when it came to describing your characters. That worked well and I enjoyed that part. It also gave me more insight into your main character, his thinking process and how he sees people.

Rhythm & Meter:
As stated before, the beginning and ending flowed really well at a fast pace. A lot was happening and that had me ready to read on and see where this assignment would take Diamond.

CLOSING STATEMENT
I really enjoyed your main character, Diamond. He has a good sense of humor, which works well when he's in sticky situations. Apri was inventive, looking human but more like you would expect Siri to be like if she were real. It's an interesting story that takes place in various places. Your skill for description painted good scenes and added to the story, bringing me as a reader into it.

{suer:purpleprincess}

STATIC

Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis  (E) Looking for solid NOVEL feedback from other novelists? The NW is BACK & better than ever! #2088228 by Carol St.Ann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .