Greetings dimbutlucky

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !

THINGS I LIKE
YOUR WRITING
(MISTAKES AND CORRECTIONS
TIPS

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

I like the beginning and the hook at the start really caught my attention. The story told more than it showed which made reading it hard but it was clear if not tightened in places. It was very wordy when there was no need for it and not wordy enough when it could use a description or show emotion. I thought the plot and idea were pretty cool, if not original. The grammar was excellent and I didn't see any spelling mistakes. The end hook didn't leave me wanting to read the next chapter. It needed a question, maybe. Something for me to want to carry on. Maybe... 'Hilliard knocked on the door. "Come in," a voice boomed. His heart sank, it couldn't be, could it? Hillard opened the door and froze: his worst nightmare became reality. The pace was steady'

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND DIALOGUE

Hilliard is beginning to have traits. I am beginning to dislike him and engaging with him. This is very good as usually first chapters do not have a great impact on a developing character. I would like a bit more emotion, though. This is where the inner thoughts or bubble works well for me. Give the reader more of an insight into how he feels, what he thinks...
There could be more dialogue which could help you in the telling parts of this chapter. What there was, though, appeared to be very good and realistic. I think changing the speech tags for action tags might help make your story flow easier.

SUGGESTIONS

1) Try to refrain from using 'ing' ending words as they are associated with telling and not showing. Publishers tend to frown on this.

'The flickering gas lamps of Duke Street in dreary Whitechapel cast shadowy phantasms as Mary Wallace quickened her step. It was past midnight, and she had just finished serving ale at the Angel & Crown. The journey home through the puddles of saffron-coloured gaslight always made her uneasy. Hungry rats foraging for scraps in the gloom, or the menacing growl of a mangy cur scaring her, but tonight, her cause for concern were the lewd remarks from three drunken sailors stumbling along behind her.'
I would write... 'The gas lights of Duke street flickered as Mary Wallace walked down the road in Whitechapel. She pulled her jacket close around her body, folded her arms across her chest and quickened her pace as shadows appeared in the dark alley. She screamed as a thin half-starved rat ran out in front of her.' I would leave it there and put the sailor's remarks into dialogue. This will make the story show the reader what has happened instead of telling them how it happened.

2)Show, don't tell. Also, try to be more precise. Words are a wonderful thing to a writer but there is such a thing as too many spoiling a story by making it sluggish. When I read a book I find the books I can't put down are the ones that show me the back story without bogging me down with too much information and unnecessary sentences and explanations. We need only to know the main characters and characters that are going to play a role in the novel. We don't need to know third policeman from the left.

'As she approached Church Passage, a well-dressed gentleman in a tall hat, turned into it. With the inebriated seafarers closing on her, she followed the gent to seek his protection.The forbidding shadows darkened as she entered the alley, but she felt heartened to see he had stopped. As though realising her predicament, he was waiting for her.The drunken seaman stumbled past Church Passage without giving it a second glance and carried on along Duke Street. Mary turned to the man dressed in a frock coat, thanking him for waiting.' I would write... 'She spotted a well-dressed gentleman in a tall hat step into the street and hurried to catch him up. He stopped and turned, He must be waiting for me. She quickened her pace, stopped beside him and smiled. "Thank you, sir," she gasped.

Thought process or bubbles help with the telling of the story and get a writer out of telling the story. Also forbidden words like 'was' 'had' can be used as in dialogue as we generally think the way we speak.

Mary nodded (in the affirmative.) The older man’s eyes softened, as he wiped away a tear. He stood up, turned to somebody out of Mary’s sight, and whispered. “Better finish her off!” (delete) There is no reason to use this as most people nod' yes.'

'Barnaby Emerson was a notable banker in the City. If the government needed hard currency to finance small wars or build new navy ships, they turned to Emerson. There was no way he would allow his son to ruin his reputation by being thrown into an asylum. Worse still, be hauled up on a murder charge. No! People in the War Office owed him favours, and he was about to call in those favours.' I would write... 'Barney Emerson, a notable city banker shook his head and frowned. His reputation would be in tatters if his associates ever found out his son murdered a woman. He could imagine the headlines... READ ALL ABOUT IT. MASTER EMERSON SENT TO AN ASYLUM FOR THE SLAUGHTERING OF A YOUNG LADY. He shuddered at the thought of his enemies getting hold of that information. He decided his son must join the army.'

I would make this into a conversation. Don't tell us about the conversation, show us.

'The dining room was full of merchants and their wives, chattering about their new ventures in India. He was the only uniformed man in the saloon, so he sat alone at his table.' I would write... 'Hilliard drummed his fingers on the table as he sat alone in the saloon. He shut his eyes...
"India is very beautiful..."
"Yes, and the savages are very friendly..."
He leaned back in his chair and a slow smile began to form on his face...'

'A steward came up to him and asked if he would mind sharing. The thought of civilised conversation appealed to him after months of barrack room banter. He nodded his acquiescence, and the waiter disappeared for a moment, returning with two women in tow.' I would write... 'He heard footsteps approach. "Excuse me, sir but would you mind sharing."
He opened his eyes and saw a young steward with a drinks tray in his hand. He took a glass of champagne and nodded. The man disappeared, only to reappear a few minutes later with two women by his side.' I would also show how the woman reacted... the older one stood between the younger woman and him, maybe. Body language can give your work a lot. Use it in situations like this... her eyes narrowed as she stared at him...

Hilliard (gave her a questioning look.) “Zululand?” (raised his eyebrow...) show, don't tell.

She shook her head and beamed at him (before answering.) “Come now Sergeant Hilliard; you have met my mother and you doubt she will get the necessary permission?” (delete)

(He was about to answer when) from a distance they heard her mother calling. “Rose, Rose Dear.”'He opened his mouth... Next line, "Rose, Rosie," a distant voice called.'

FINAL THOUGHTS

This chapter is good but could be great with a little work and tightened in places. It was an enjoyable read in places. Thank you for sharing and keep writing.

NAME: DMT1967 AKA JACKIE

"Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" 




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .