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 Review #4255118 |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Eogin I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN THE CHAPTER TITLE ! OVERALL IMPRESSION It was easy to feel this character, Barnaby's, dislike of his lot in life. That impression only grows throughout the chapter. It's so easy to feel his confusion then, his shock, when his name is called. Great job of drawing me in fully! What I Liked Best: The unexpected twist at the end! WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT Opening Sentence: The Brawling's are traitors. It succeeds in pulling me in, in planting questions that coax me into continuing. If only because I want to know who the Brawling's are and why they're traitors. Opening Paragraph: It's strong, until the Jonathan line. I don't even know who the main character, who's speaking, is at this point. I don't have a name or any sense of him and now I have another person--who is also a mystery at that point. I would hold off on mentioning him. Keep the first paragraph to our MC. Plot: Barnaby's father was a traitor. One infamous enough to have gone down in history books. Barnaby's graduating, becoming an adult. He mentions that they aren't human, that humans are different from them but at this point I don't know how. The government is picking graduates to train, to take under their wing. Barnaby is sure they'll pick Grace Le-Grand for the position of mentee of the Ministry of Security. The beautiful girl he's in love with is the sister of Gulliver, who comes out to announce that the Ministry of Security will be mentoring Barnaby. Barnaby is stunned, thinks he heard wrong. And when he goes up to accept, to drink from a fountain, the other two mentee's appear to be burning--it seems from the water. And a voice implies its an act of terrorism from an uprising. Character Development: I have no sense of WHAT they are, if they aren't human. I feel like this needs to be fixed somehow, especially because based on description they appear human. Beyond that small thing, I have a great sense of Barnaby's personality. You do a fantastic job of getting me into his head and feeling his emotions. I am unclear about who Jonathan is though. Dialog: What dialog there is works well. Formatting issue though, on my end its showing a space between the quotation mark and the first letter of the dialog. Example: " The VS "The Spelling & Punctuation: Nothing stood out to me. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/ http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp Grammar: There are a few awkwardly worded sentences. Here are my suggestions. There is very little more maddening than watching him get some of what is mine. I especially hate her when I am trying to fall asleep. I no-longer no longer hide my stares. I watch minister Calvinus walk around the pool, his eyes are drowned in it's its blue (http://grammarist.com/spelling/its-its/) I also noticed a few issues with proper pronouns. If you are saying my mom, it should be lower case, but "I search for Mom again..." should be capitalized. (http://grammarist.com/spelling/mom-or-mom/) Continuity: I was able to follow your chapter easily with minor issues. I am unsure who Jonathan is in relation to the MC. I also am unsure of WHERE this is. It seems like it might be on an island--or perhaps in the sea. "The dirt-people" make me think this might be underwater. Nothing else gave me that impression. And the end... the end is wonderfully confused. I am hoping you intended things to be broken, abrupt, and confused. As a first person narrative, it works well to put me in the MC's head. I do feel like there should be a little more clarity at the very end. Did Gulliver hit Barnaby? Is that what happened? Form: No complaints from me here. Clarity: I've mentioned a few clarity questions previous. To reiterate: who's Jonathan, what are they, where are they, did Gulliver hit Barnaby? Hook: There's magic, a traitor, an unrequited love, and a rebellion. You have hook in spades! CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION Structure: IMHO you should cut mention of Jonathan from the beginning. IF you bring him up, you should also offer up who he is, but later in the chapter. Keep the beginning focused on our MC. Figurative Language & Vocabulary: No complaints. Rhythm & Meter: No complaints. CLOSING STATEMENT I am left with more questions--questions which would propel me straight into the next chapter! As a first chapter, this works great in my humble opinion. I was interested. It was an easy read, with an effectively used POV to draw me in and settle me straight into the MC's head and gut, drawing out the same emotions in me as I read. Great job with that. Truly, it's not something every writer, let alone first chapter, does well and you did. I do caution the use of "Ministry" in relation to magic, simply because of the Harry Potter comparisons many will draw. I have no idea, at this point, if there is anything more in common with HP, but as this is chapter one your purpose is to draw people in--not send them away. That was the only think that made me think HP, but for some readers it would be enough for them to start comparing.  
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/03/2016 @ 9:00am EDT