Greetings XXXXXX

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !

THINGS I LIKE
YOUR WRITING
(MISTAKES AND CORRECTIONS

OVERALL IMPRESSION
Include your first impression, what you liked and what you did not like.
What works and doesn't work. beginning and end hooks. PLOT,is the chapter clear and understandable. Vocabulary, pace... is the chapter rushed or meter runs at a steady pace.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND DIALOGUE
This includes POV and Person. (First Second, Third, Third Limited, Omniscient Narrator. etc) Watch out for head-hopping.Do the characters have distinct voices? Do you know who is speaking at all times, or have you had to blog back to check? Is the dialogue presented properly and attached to the exposition that defines it, or is it askew?

SUGGESTIONS
GRAMMER
CONTINUITY-Is the story in a sensible order? If a flashback is used, is it done well? Please remind the author-publishers do not particularly like flashbacks. is there another way this part can be told?
FORM OR WORDINESS

FINAL THOUGHTS

Your name

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Greetings Squirtoon

I am reviewing "Invalid Item" today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

The beginning hook is well-written if a bit vague. Maybe clear it up a bit. I had to read it a few times before I could make out what the chapter was all about. It was a good hook, though and did what a hook should; kept me engaged and wanting to know more. The end hook was good as well. It made me want to read the next chapter and the plot was well-written as it engaged with me all the way through. The pace is smooth and I didn't feel rushed at all when reading it. Apart from it being a bit muddled and slightly unclear in the beginning, I soon got the gist of it as I continued to read. The plot, as I see it, is... a detective is presumed dead but isn't. Instead, a body dressed and made to look like her is mistaken for her. Everyone is surprised... the chief, maybe a little too much. Overall, a very good chapter.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS AND DIALOGUE

The main character has potential to grow, as the reader can see from this chapter. The writer has left a lot of scope. Also, the writer has focused on one main character, the narrator and not tried to introduce too many characters into the first chapter. The dialogue flows easily, in most places, and is fairly natural.

SUGGESTIONS

"You're dead, I swear I saw (you. You were dead.)" Tears streamed from Eli's puffy eyes. I WOULD CHANGE TO (your corpse/ body or "you're dead! I swear...I'm dreaming... I must be...") THIS SOUNDS MORE BELIEVABLE, IN MY OPINION. IF I SAW WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A DEAD FRIEND I AM NOT SURE IF I WOULD BE ABLE TO FORM PROPER SENTENCES.

1)Try to refrain from using 'I' in this chapter. I know it is a first person narrative, but too many 'I'S make the writing sound sluggish and jerky.

I grabbed my gun from the coffee table(. Checking to see if the gun was loaded and the safety was on, I holstered it. Leaving a note for Jordan, my husband, I tried to explain to him I wasn't dead, no matter what he might hear. I didn't want to wake him.) I WOULD WRITE... (, checked the gun's barrels were loaded and the clicked the safety catch on.I slipped it into my gun holster and wrote a quick note for my husband, Jorden.) THE PART ABOUT WAKING HIM UP AND TELLING HIM THE NARRARATOR IS NOT DEAD IN A NOTE DOESN'T SOUND VERY PLAUSIBLE. I WOULD WANT TO TELL HIM IN PERSON. AFTER ALL, IF YOUR HUSBAND WAS THOUGHT TO BE DEAD AND YOU GOT A NOTE SAYING IT WASN'T TRUE... WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? EVEN IF YOU DID... I KNOW IT WOULD FREAK ME OUT AND MAKE ME DO SOMETHING STUPID.

(Snapping on a pair of gloves, I bent down next to the head, studying it. Tool marks were visible along the neckline, always a nice sight to see. Obviously, not nice to look at, but it meant we could link a tool to the crime. A scent caught my attention and I took a deep breath. My perfume. I hadn't put any on today, so there was no way I was smelling myself, it was the victim. Same make-up, same perfume, same everything. Something seriously messed up was going on here.) I WOULD WRITE... (I snapped on a pair of gloves and bent down next to the body. I can smell something... what is it I frowned and scratched my head. Perfume... my perfume Something caught my eye and I leant over the body, was that a tool mark along the neckline. Did we have our first real break? I peered at the face, my makeup, my perfume,my clothes... what the hell was going on?) USING THOUGHT PROCESSES, LIKE THIS, CAN TAKE THE STIGMA OUT OF TELLING WORDS LIKE 'WAS' AS INNER THOUGHTS ARE LIKE DIALOGUE AND IS SPOKEN IN THE DIALECT OF THE SPEAKER.

2)Try not to use too many 'ly' and 'ing' words as publishers do not like them./c}

(The chief typed frantically at his computer, ignoring my entrance. So much for wanting to speak to me. Sweat beaded on his forehead and I could swear his hairline had receded even more since I'd last seen him.) I WOULD WRITE... (The click-clack of the chief on the computer keys could be heard through the door as I knocked and entered. He didn't look up.

("Sir, you asked to see me?" I closed the door with a click, trying to draw his attention.) I WOULD WRITE... ("Em, chief. You asked...")

(When he finally looked up, his eyes widened what I thought'd be a dangerous amount.) I WOULD WRITE... (He glanced up at the sound of my voice, turned white and gripped the edge of his desk.)

(The look of shock was beginning to get on my nerves.) "Yes, I'm alive. Can we get over that?") I WOULD WRITE... (I sighed and rolled my eyes.)

(Eli had his lucky coin out again.) "You can release a statement. Let everyone know at the same time." I WOULD WRITE... (Eli flipped his lucky coin in the air, watched it twist in the air and caught it in his left hand.)

3)Try to refrain from using words like 'had' or 'was,'unless in thought bubbles or dialogue as they are associated with telling and not showing and publishers frown upon them.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a grat first draft and, with a little work, I think you could have a best seller. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing.

NAME: DMT1967 AKA JACKIE

"Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" 


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .