Greetings XXXXXX

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !

THINGS I LIKE
YOUR WRITING
(MISTAKES AND CORRECTIONS
TIPS

OVERALL IMPRESSION
Include your first impression, what you liked and what you did not like.
WHAT WORK AND WHAT DOESN'T WORK
Plot AND CLARITY:Is it revealed or hinted at? Do you have a handle, by the time the chapter concludes, of where this story is going?
HOOKS- does it pull me in and leave me wanting more

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
This includes POV and Person. (First Second, Third, Third Limited, Omniscient Narrator. etc) Watch out for head-hopping.

DIALOGUE
Do the characters have distinct voices? Do you know who is speaking at all times, or have you had to blog back to check? Is the dialogue presented properly and attached to the exposition that defines it, or is it askew?

SUGGESTIONS
GRAMMER
CONTINUITY-Is the story in a sensible order? If a flashback is used, is it done well? Please remind the author-publishers do not particularly like flashbacks. is there another way this part can be told?
FORM OR WORDINESS

FINAL THOUGHTS

Your name

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GREETINGS PHMARQUES

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

I liked the idea, although the plot was very hit and miss. The plot, as I see it, is a captain doesn't want to retire. He hatches this plan then disappears. A while later a woman is sent out to look for him as the people who took him are after her and this Albert, who the reader has no clue about. But unbeknown to her a crew member on her ship is also her boss... see what I mean.
THE HOOK didn't drag me into the story. I would have started with the explosion and worked back from there. Too much information at the start, in my opinion, bogs the reader down and they tend, or at least me, to miss the really important parts of the hook and have to reread some parts to know what is going on. A beginning hook, in my opinion, is supposed to grab the reader and the rest of the chapter reels the reader in. I did enjoy the end hook, though as it made me want to find out what happens next. The pace was very rushed and, in my opinion, needed slowing down a bit and more action. Sometimes a description of the surroundings helps to slow the pace down and keep the continuity stable.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND DIALOGUE

I think the chapter would have been better if the writer had concentrated on one or two characters. Each time I began to get a feel of a character they moved on to the next one. Maybe take one character per chapter and build the novel from there, just a suggestion. I like the traits of Felicity, though. I would have liked the writer to develop her so I could feel her. I think a few inner thoughts might help here. The dialogue, on the other hand, was pretty realistic and natural. The writer did a good job there, so well done.

SUGGESTIONS

1) Try to refrain from using words like 'had' and 'was' as publishers tend not like these words as they associate them with showing and not telling.

'Stellar Planetary League President, Harris Wilson, sat at a console on his ship(, watching the vid-screen of two captured ships floating close by in orbit around the planet, which he'd named New Hope. The captain of both ships had already been replaced. So far his plan was moving ahead as he'd envisioned.') I WOULD WRITE... (. He smiled as he congratulated himself on his plan. He rubbed his hands together behind his back and clicked his heels together. The two captured ships orbited around the planet, new hope and the captains of both ships were chained up in the brig...)

2) Try to refrain from repeating words so close together as it makes the story seem jerky.

'(After five years as League President, he'd become accustomed to power. He was slated to leave office at the end of the year, and he couldn't give up all this power. And so now, he planned to seize it all for himself and hold on to it.)' I WOULD WRITE... (He sighed at the thought of his retirement, I've had power for far too long and I'm damned if I'm going to give it up just because they ask me to.'

THOUGHT PROCESS METHOD, AS I CALL IT, HELPS WITH THE TELLING NOT SHOWING ASPECT OF WRITING, IN MY OPINION.

He'd hired the best people in AI intelligence, who reprogrammed the AI's on two of Earth's most powerful ships. They'd also reprogrammed the (Macbees) on the ships. (Maccabees) I WOULD DELETE THIS AS THE INFORMATION DOESN'T ADD ANYTHING TO THE STORY.

Cee's eyes widened. A sec-verify was very expensive, but its results were one hundred percent guaranteed. She said, "PCC; main; sec-verify--PCC to PCC; reverse charges." She held out her left wrist and touched her PCC to the PCC on his left wrist. I WOULD REWRITE THIS AS IT IS VERY CONFUSING AND REPETITIVE.

3) Try to use action tags instead of speech tags as this makes the reader get more of a picture and 'he said' all the time makes reading very one dimensional.

(He said,) "Come with me. You don't want to be late for your appointment." SPEACH TAG NOT NEEDED. UNSURE WHO IS SPEAKING. MAYBE USE NAME AND ACTION TAG LIKE...'HE TOOK HER ARM OR HE MARCHED DOWN A CORRIDOR AND SHE FOLLOWED...)

(Explosions rent the air), and two large buildings vanished in a cloud of black dust.Not sure what this means how about...(the sky turned yellow as the smell of gunpowder wafted through the air.)

(When she opened her eyes, she looked at Albert whose face blanched white, then his head fell forward.) I WOULD WRITE... (Her eyes burned as she tried to open them. She blinked and a few tears formed in her eye ducts. Her vision blurred, she reached out her hand and touched a body. She turned her head and a pain so great made her shut her eyes shut once more. She knew she needed to open them again, to force herself to see the damage... to see the body... She gritted her teeth, opened her eyes and looked at the body. Albert sat beside her with his face Blanche white, his head on his chest and a deep gash down one cheek.)

Harlan Williams opened the outside door of his (high rise) apartment. and entered the cube. He said, "PCC; menu; cube transport; parking zone w12 loc b422; engage." The cube restraints secured him, and almost instantly, the cube (traveled )through the vac to zone w12 where the cube exited the vac and continued to the location of his Vertical Landing Craft. It drove between the legs of the VLC and parked. Once he lifted off, the cube would remain in his VLC location until he returned. (high-rise) (travelled) ALSO, IN MY OPINION, TOO TECHNICAL AND OVERUSED THE WORD 'CUBE'.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I think you have a good book here, but it needs a little work. Thank you for sharing and keep writing.

NAME: DMT1967 AKA JACKIE

"Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" 


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .