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 Review #4247239 |
| Review brought to you by: "Game of Thrones" by Creeper Of The Realm  PLOT - Crystal is on the hunt and runs into Keith in a dive bar. They exchange words, and since the pickings are slim, she invites him back to her place. SETTING - This was hit and miss. You set things up well, but it was difficult to get a full picture of what was going on. For instance you wrote: Putting his thoughts together, Keith says, “You know what, I gotta go.” He pulls up his pants. Crystal laughs. “What’s so funny?” It's fast, and more told than shown. Think about adding more description. Example: Putting his thoughts together, Keith says, “You know what, I gotta go.” He pulls up his pants in one fluid movement, not bothering to even button them before turning to the door. Crystal laughs. “What’s so funny?” He looked at her, his eyes drawn together as the woman before is laughing as if he's said something hysterical. CHARACTERS - It was hard to fully identify with either of your main characters. The switching point of view made it difficult. I didn't understand why Crystal was so cold, and how she managed to do the things she did, though I did notice the pattern of man and ice blocks came to light at the end. Maybe more information of her being a Goddess and what that entails, what her powers are exactly. GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE - She snaps open her person,--purse removes a card, and hands it to him. “Read it and weep.” He takes his coat to offer it to him/her?, she shoves it back. She pulls both his arms toward him,--her The dialog was fine, showing how they both spoke differently. THOUGHTS - Crystal is the type of character that is on a mission, and only when she achieves it does she find joy. Most of the time she's annoyed by her predicament. Keith is lonely, and doesn't pull punches with what he says. You have a lot to work with in this short story. Both characters are intriguing. With everything riding on the ice sculpture, it may be worth considering adding more emphasis to the time frame and Crystal needed to get things rolling. You spoke about it, told your reader about it, but we didn't see her antsy to get things underway, or bored by the conversation she had with Keith. Longer sections in one characters head will make it easier for the reader to relate to them. Write on!   
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