Hi alysia,

This review is a part of "Game of Thrones"  [13+].

Overall Impression:

This is a nice, creative little story, Ally. I enjoyed the read.

Lance has found an entrance to another world. He tries to find it again, to show his sister. When he does, they enter the tree with the gateway, and discover that their presence has been expected. They are to be the world's guardians.

The beginning of the story made me curious enough to read on - would Lance find the gateway again? What would the world be like?

The ending of the story let Lance, Beth and I know why they were there. And I kind of wanted to read more, explore the world further with them. Find out if they will manage to complete the important task they have been given. I think that you could develop this into a longer piece, should you feel inclined to do so.

Suggestions:

I do have some suggestions, dear Ally. I hope that you will find them helpful!

Paragraph 12:

They whirled on their heels toward the stone bench just in time to see the jacket fall the bench onto the bright, green grass.

Perhaps - They whirled on their heels toward the stone bench, just in time to see the jacket fall off the bench onto the bright green grass or They whirled on their heels toward the stone bench, just in time to see the jacket slide onto the bright green grass.

Paragraph 17:

Deidre stood up, when she did she grew taller.

I think that "Deidre" should be "Deirdre", as that is the spelling you used earlier.

I would also place the word "and" before "when".

Paragraph 18:

This paragraph begins with a quotation mark, but as it isn't spoken, it does not need one.

...all in preparations for the human’s arrival.

I think that "preparations" should be "preparation" and "human's" should be "humans' ".

Paragraph 20:

In this paragraph, it states that the expected children are twins. Yet, paragraph 4 refers to Beth as Lance's younger sister. That may be something to look at.

Paragraph 30:

She brought forth the jewel dagger...

I think that "jewel" should be "jeweled".

Paragraph 33:

Remember use these items with care, and protect our world. It is precious to us. There is no other like it in the world.

These sentences are something to look at, I think. Perhaps there is no other world like the fairy world in the universe, or within all the different dimensions?

As above, I think that "Deidre" should be "Deirdre".

My Rating:

This is an interesting story. I enjoyed the read.

I did have some suggestions. Therefore, I will give your story a rating of 3.5 out of 5. It has a lot of potential - I think it just need a bit of TLC to truly make it shine.

Thank you for sharing your work, and write on!

Kit




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .