Hi Fivesixer ,

This review is a part of "Game of Thrones"  [13+].

Overall Impression:

This is a strong piece, Fivesixer. Something I am sure that many people will be able to find themselves in. It sure brings back memories to me, of standing on crowded public transport, packed like a miserable little fish in a small tin.

It is true that you can be lonely in a crowd. And public transport has its own strange rules. You have many thoughts that you cannot speak. You try to not make any eye-contact. You hide in music, or a paper, or a book. Yet you still form impressions of those around you. Impressions that can be completely incorrect (perhaps apart from that one time I had to listen to a really loud phone conversation this girl had with a friend, containing all the lurid details of what she'd been up to the night before, in the form of, "And I was like, yeah, and then I was like, please, bitch, talk to the hand, and I was like..."). One in a crowd of ones. You express that very well, and all the awkwardness and tedium that comes with it.

On the technical side of things, this piece reads well. Strong, effective wording, good rhythm and flow. You have done an excellent job.

Suggestions:

I only have a couple of suggestions. I hope that you will find them helpful!

Line 6:

In lonely rides with lonlier people...

I think that "lonlier" should be "lonelier".

Line 32:

for what was better left at unread into

This line made me stumble a bit. I had to stop reading to figure it out. Maybe "at" should be "as"?

My Rating:

A strong, interesting piece. I enjoyed the read.

I did have a couple of tiny suggestions. For that reason, I will give this item a rating of 4.5 out of 5.

Thank you for sharing your work, and write on!

Kit



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .