Greetings very thankful } }

I am Joey C, and I am here in your port as part of our teams Review/challenge for "Game of Thrones" I am pressed into to service for the House of GREYJOY



{c:.navy}I have dispatched this raven to provide the review to your recent posting of "Invalid Item" .


Why I picked this entry to review -

I almost always prefer reading and reviewing a WdC author's newest or most recent works, as it reflects their current skill levels. This item was the most current static item posted that I saw.



What I read -

Okay, the first chapter of a new sequel to your first book. A fantasy/Sci-Fi Western. How cool is that? I am not sure how marketable a novel of this genre would be; the few most recent books and movie efforts of this type received mild success. But then, one never knows what the taste of the public will be at any given moment. And then, if it is perceived as well written readers will overlook the genre to connect with a favorite author's style. There are dozens of examples of orphan genres having succeeded with the right moniker on the cover. (Look at "Zoo" Patterson didn't write a single word inside its covers and its made nearly a 100 million in sales.)

A few notes on SPAG and Style -

I didn't see a lot of SPAG, a couple of missed commas, and a missing "l" in "elderly," a "threw" that should have been "through" but overall few errors.

I did see one, or two, opportunities where you could have used more active verbs and could have opted for better words selections in place of extremely overused words. Like "good" is often overused. Consider using a more precise synonym or phasing to improve the sharpness of your writing. You could make the same statement of "Ya no good bitch!" with Ya, rotten bitch!" which might paint a clearer, if not a faster sentiment to the reader of Dylan's anger.

A few thoughts on the story -

I liked that you open the story with action, a gunfight from jump street makes a reasonable hook. But it seems a bit forced without knowing who is who. Perhaps, had I read the first book, I would know the characters, and it would have given me a better connection to the intensity of the moment.

It's hard to comment on a story with just this small start (there are only 550 words in the chapter), So it would be premature to offer comment on plot, or other story elements at this point. However, I was overwhelmed by the number of characters 11 of which ten are named. Wow, that's a lot to try and sort out. Perhaps you might look at reducing the number of players in this opening scene.


In Closing -

I hope you continue this story and other efforts; it's been more than a year since you have posted anything new. Perhaps a few review/raids from GOT teams will spark your muse again. I hope so; we need the WdC pool of writers to be active and growing, else we stagnate and die. It is evident that you have all the imagination necessary to put together an entertaining tale. So come out and join the fray with us, as we all look for our voice, that one, which one day, cuts through the din and garners the attention of the world.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .