\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4237688
Review #4237688
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


PLOT -
Jake is on vacation in South Africa, and goes on a picnic, looking for a serene spot to picnic, play his guitar and meditate. He winds up taking an unexpected turn and follows the road until it ends near a pond filled with Egyptian geese and ducks. It is the perfect spot for him to be.

SETTING -
Good descriptions of the landscape as Jake drove. The shadowy figure was interesting, and I was hoping to read more about it. It pops back up at the end, as almost a teaser of what's to come.

CHARACTERS -
Jake is a spiritual person, into meditation and writes his own music. He seems to be searching for something, a connection to the universe on a deeper level. He enjoys being outdoors, and is fascinated by his surroundings.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
The forest environment and the water at his feet provided an incredible a type of muted echo.

He unfolded it and experienced a dizzy spell caused by what he saw.

THOUGHTS -
When including inner dialog, you can put it italics, or use the dialog tags. Be consistent throughout the piece. The bigger font make the piece easier to read for older eyes, I appreciate that. The story was a little jumpy, moving from one plot point to the next in a short amount of time. The parts that the most important to your story you can spend extra time describing, pulling your reader further into the piece. Some background information isn't always necessary and slows the story you're trying to convey down. I really wanted to know if he Jake interacted with the shadowy figure. Oh and I wanted to know what a 'trance party' was. This might be something to explain as well in the story.

This would be my name.
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/15/2016 @ 11:14am EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4237688