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Review #4236557
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by A Guest Visitor
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
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Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Way behind!
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


PLOT -
It's a bit confusing. A Knight has fallen from one realm to another, cast out by a witch.

SETTING -
The coffee being scalding and burning down her throat as clear and easy to identify with, as were the descriptions of the armor of the Knight.

CHARACTERS -
I believe there were four characters. The Knight, the witch, Sarah and the other girl without a name. The Knight would have to be the main character, as he's the one that you gave the most information about.


GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
Taking a sip of the coffee, I tried not to flinch as the scolding/scalding liquid slipped down into my stomach.

“I couldn’t exactly turn him away at the door, could I?” She shivered visibly at the thought of our unexpected visitor. ---who is talking? she and our are two different voices. You need to be consistent with that throughout. It's mostly first person pov, but then aspects of third person pop in and disrupt the flow of the story.

Seconds after knocking on the door and asking what realm this was, he’d wondered/wandered off,

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -
It's really important to pick one point of view, one voice and stick with it throughout. As a reader we want to make a connection to your main character and care what happens to them. The Knight was the only real visible characters, and he didn't last long in the story. The girl without a name seems to be at the center of the story, but doesn't have much emotion when it comes to this guest from another realm. Was she scared at all? She believed him with no questions asked? Was it just shock? If you work on the first few paragraphs and make it clear who is speaking, adding dialog tags and thoughts to keep your two female characters clear it would really make this short piece shine.

This would be my name.
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/24/2016 @ 12:20pm EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4236557