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 Review #4233321 |
 | I'm On the Lam... See  [E] Yeah, I'm on the lam, see... that little girl... what a pain!  |
| (4.5)    A SHORT STORY REVIEW From CAROL REVIEWS The opinions contained in this review are subjective, intended to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Hello, Amay, it has been my pleasure to read "I'm On the Lam... See" today. Here, in affiliation with "Game of Thrones" , are some of my subjective thoughts and impressions for your perusal. OVERALL IMPRESSION Your title brings remembrances of Edward G. Robinson. He was always on the lam, see? I couldn't help but open this up to see if I was right! STORY DEVELOPMENT Plot & Characters Your newly designed plot is delightful and flows like a unobstructed mountain stream; faithful and smooth. The characters Marty, the Wolf, and the girl were drawn out with clear distinct voices and issues all their own. Pace and development were appropriate to the story and did their job of ushering the reader onward with no lags whatsoever. TECHNICAL ASPECTS Grammar, Spelling, Pace, Flow, Line Edits I did make a few notes in an effort to be of sons assistance, nothing more. His eyes bored into Marty's. Sp. bore I'm on the lam, see! The woodsman is out to get me Needs opening quote "I'm on the lam... "You've got to be kidding, the Woodsman is after wood. Punctuation kiddingPERIOD The woodsman Well this little girl, see. She was really quite pretty, see. So I whistled." 'What are you doing, little one?' I asked. 'You shouldn't be out here alone, where's your mother?' "See, there was nothing wrong with that." The wolf looked at Marty waiting for confirmation that he'd done nothing wrong. I believe this would be less confusing if it were one paragraph. It's all the wolf speaking and reads as dialog between the two characters. Consider: "Well this little girl, see. She was really quite pretty, see. So I whistled and said, 'What are you doing, little one? You shouldn't be out here alone, where's your mother?' See, there was nothing wrong with that." The wolf looked at Marty waiting for confirmation that he'd done nothing wrong. "Okay, Okay." Typo "Okay, okay." The wolf slowed his breathing and returned to his pacing. "Well, I thought about it and decided that if she was going to be running around the woods, somebody needed to be there to watch out for her." Attach the dialog to the exposition that defines it. The wolf slowed his breathing and returned to his pacing. "Well, I thought about it and decided that if she was going to be running around the woods, somebody needed to be there to watch out for her." If you intend to carry one character's dialog through several paragraphs, do not close the quote at the end of the paragraphs, until the speech concludes. Otherwise the reader will lose sight over who is actually speaking. That's a lot of work for a reader to do for such a short story. "We walked along, enjoying the birds singing. She picked some flowers for her grandmother. It was kind of nice, you see?" Leave off closing quote. "When we came to the clearing where her grandmother's house stood, being the gentle wolf that I am, I walked the young lady up to the door. I sat down beside her and waited for her grandmother to open the door. It would be rude to just walk away before knowing if her grandmother was there or not." And here too. "I was just sitting there right beside the cutie pie, when the door creaked open and a horrible caterwauling began. That grandmother had my ears ringing. I couldn't see straight, oh my goodness, the pain, the horrible pain." The wolf stood in front of Marty with fearful eyes. "I ran around and around trying to get my bearings, when all of the sudden, blamo, and everything went black. Something must have hit me from behind. I must have passed out." And here "When I woke up, see, there was the Woodsman. He was holding his big axe in his huge hands and he was glaring at me, see." And here "The little girl was gone. The grandmother was screaming at the top of her lungs begging the Woodsman to..." he gulped, "well, you know."And here "So I sized up the situation, spying the window not too far away. I jumped up and made a mad dash and crashed through the glass. I ran as fast as my four legs would carry me, see." And here It's always a pleasure to read you, Amay! Cheers to your continued success!     .
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You responded to this review 07/19/2016 @ 7:18pm EDT