Dear shaara }





Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I like the conversational style and the way it makes me relate to the characters.





Beginning

I love how you start by taking a commonly held, though often hitter, preconception and point it out to the reader to engage them with the story and its protagonist.






Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

Observations:

Any of your descriptions are very visual and lack other elements - most of the time that works well but you could add depth to the story if you were to allow the other senses to come to light.


Examples:

"I nudged him awake with a gentle kiss" - how does it feel, how does it smell?


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

The whole piece is a prolonged internal monologue and it works well like this as it includes the reader into a wider consciousness.


Emotional Draw:


Is very high though the conversational style


Dialogue/Monologue

The only spoken words are in the end but the whole piece is a well crafted monologue directed to the reader


Characters

I love the warmth and humour of your characters.







Structure/Format

The structure of the story is great - but the writing is very small on the screen which make it harder to read.



Language


Style:

I love the no nonsense quality and humour of your style


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE ▼







Tension

Well developed - we want to know about this little snapshot of their lives because of the conversation in which we are drawn at the beginning and gently let go at the end.


Conflict:

External:

The age difference which we only relate to abstractly

Internal:

Our own preconceptions




End

I love the warmth of the end






General Comments:

I like the comfortable atmosphere of this piece, the joy contained in it.