Dear Gabrielle Dorian





Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I love this - well aside from the last line. But I definitely will have to read on.





Beginning

I absolutely love the way you use not only the medium of text but the idiosyncrasy of parents using text and autocorrect for the beginning of your story.






Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

Observations:

There is not much in respect to descriptions as it is written in form of texts but there is already a lot we get to know about the mother - 2 sons, a brother who seems a little crazy, and potentially a midlife crisis hitting.





Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

There is no need for an internal monologue - the exasperation, the panic is all expressed in the speed and length of texts being exchanged.


Emotional Draw:

I surprisingly high - possibly because we all have been there. Well, not with a mother getting married in Vagas but with one who a) has difficulties using the phone correctly and b) thrown you a curveball, emotional or not



Dialogue/Monologue

I love the character that comes through those exchanged texts - we can truly feel and see the people involved.


Characters

They have a clear presence from early on, we can relate to them.







Structure/Format

Great idea


Language


Style:

I love the text style of the whole thing.


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE ▼







Tension

This is possibly where I have my biggest, and only, complaint. I hate that last line. It is not necessary. We are at tenterhooks, wanting to read on and then you thrown in such and obvious one. It would not happen. Even were she to have the big fight there and then - she would not text it. At least not in that moment.

Conflict:

External:

We simply know that the marriage will be a crazy stunt and end in divorce - something for our protagonist to sort out. Incredibly well done at making the reader aware of it this early on

Internal:

We have no clue yet - but we do not need to




End

Hate it.






General Comments:

I love this piece - I love the emotion, the quirkiness. But do I have to reiterate: I hate the last line.