Dear Stephe R. Seede





Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I was drawn to your piece because I became a mother last year. Both as a mother and as a woman I have some issues with the underlying perceptions behind I therefore decided to review the form and the writing more than the content of your letter.





Beginning

You make the link between an event and the role of a mother in the beginning with allows your writing a clear dynamic instead of starting with a boring description of a term. The only problem I can see in this section is the fact that you are getting a little longwinded along the way.






Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

Your descriptions are great in most instances - you make the reader smile, add that little bit of humour into it which allows your reader to relate to the mother and your mother as well as thinking, possibly wistfully, about their own in that moment.


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

N/A


Emotional Draw:

I love the fact how you go over from the general to the personal and therefore allow the reader to relate to your mother in particular. However, you break that connection when you try to explain yourself unnecessary (add the age, or repeat a sentiment with different words).



Dialogue/Monologue

You are able to create a clear picture not only of your mother but of your life with her. I love that.


Characters


N/A






Structure/Format


You do very well on the structure of the piece, the move from general to personal, back to the general. You manage to draw in your reader and hold them with their emotions whilst allowing their rationality to relate to what you say.


Language


Style:

Good appropriate style for an essay but you are tending a little to over-explanation and repetition.


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE ▼







Tension

You create great tension within the piece by first describing how you see a mother and women in general and then applying it to your own mother. I might not agree with much of what you say but you have me hooked throughout.

Conflict:

External:
N/A
Internal:

N/A




End

I like the way you complete the circle by returning to the general in the end again.






General Comments:

First of all you have my condolences on the loss of your mother - it is a loss no one who has not been there can comprehend.