This story probably describes something that most of us fear, that is, being locked within our own mind, yet paralyzed by coma, or stroke, where we can hear what's going on but we appear to those on the outside, to be unaware of anything. That is such a scary thought. People talk to or about you as if you aren't there, and there is no way to communicate with them if paralysis is involved.

The story is made even more intense, because the patient is a nurse and used to being on the other side -- the care giver rather than the receiver.

Observations:

"It seems as if I can only listen for a few moments before this deep sleep envelopes me again, taking me back to the solemn darkness."

A better word to use here would be "envelop" rather than envelopes. Although technically an okay word, she's not about to be stamped and shipped anytime soon.

You have a few spots that have spacing issues. Easy fix, though, with a second look-over.

Some spots could have been less repetitive and tightened-up a little bit, especially in your opening paragraph.

"I cannot seem to move though I want to. I can't even open my mouth to speak. And yet, I hear my family and friends talking to me and to each other. I can hear the doctors and nurses too. They don't know I am alive inside here and just trapped."

TRY: Why are they speaking to me as if I wasn't here? I can and hear them, yet, my lips remain still. I try to reach out, but my arms won't move, neither will my legs. Worst of all, my eyes are frozen shut. It's true! I'm trapped inside my body and unable to communicate with them.


This starts the reader off with a question, which is basically an attention getter. The brief description of her predicament has the emotional impact to make them read on. They now care about her and want to find out how well she will fare at the end of the story. Just my opinion of course.

You responded to this review 06/24/2016 @ 10:43am EDT

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