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 Review #4227107 |
 | Raining on the Inside  [ASR] Flash Fiction: Caught up in the rat race and deceived.  |
| (4.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Hello, Santa , and good afternoon.  I found this piece on the Please Review page. It read clear to me with a few minor errors, so I rated the item with four stars. Here's my rating and reviewing policy for your reference: "Bobbi's Rating and/or Reviewing Policy" . If you have any questions about your rating and review, please feel free to email me.Just a note: I appreciate that you made the font a little larger. It's easier on my eyes and I frankly don't understand why more people wouldn't do this. I also understand that this website looks different on different platforms, so who knows? The typos and grammar issues I caught were as follows: There's going to be a bit of blue in this section because I have opinions about your style I wish to share. I emphasize the word 'opinions'─the blues are not corrections, and you can totally dismiss them as the ramblings of a reviewing twit if you wish.  You said you would be here(;) you said that you would be involved. I just wanted to point out the semicolon here because in this short piece there are seven of them. There's nothing wrong with using them─I like them myself─but I wanted to suggest playing with other ways to join two clauses together. The more you use marks like semicolons and em dashes, the more noticeable and distracting they become. Some time to talk(;) time for us. This one I actually have an issue with. The semicolon here is separating phrases, not independent clauses. If you arrange the sentences like this example, it will have the same effect and should be grammatically correct: I just want some down time─some time to talk, time for us. I swear[,] we only get to relax for, like[,] 15 minutes a day. I added the blue comma because I swear acts more like an interjection, but I'm not sure if it strictly necessary in this case. I also went ahead and added a comma here because like in this case acts like an interruption in thought rather than an introduction to a prepositional phrase, and that would require a comma. They're adopted(,) we know it, and they know it. I pointed out this comma because it is technically a comma splice; They're adopted is a complete clause. I put it in blue because I know that short clauses can get away with being spliced nowadays. I would actually prefer that the first clause be its own sentence: They're adopted. We know it and they know it. (The last comma wouldn't be necessary either since the last two clauses are short and joined by the conjunction 'and', but it's not wrong to have the comma there, either.) My sisters don’t need me(,) the kids don’t need me(,) you don’t need me. This can act like a list if you rework the sentence structure, but as it stands it is a triple comma splice. I'm not going to list it as incorrect because the clauses are short, but I would be wary of them. It seems(,) that’s who I am I took out that comma because it was acting as a pause with no other reason for being there. It seems doesn't work as an interjection or an interruption. (Not on the outside.) (Death from the hands of a child.) I pointed these out because they are incomplete sentences that elaborate on the sentence before them. I know that sentence fragments are used often for style, as these are, but they are still not grammatically correct and can be fussed about in some audiences. Again, just be aware of that. As I walk into his light(;)[,] I become(,) just one more dead ant. I replaced the semicolon with a comma because As I walk into his light is an introductory adverbial clause dependent on the rest of the sentence. I took out the comma after become because I become is neither an interjection nor interruption. It acts as an arbitrary pause and is not necessary. I'm not getting any presents this year, am I?  I didn't notice any spelling errors, typos, or tense disagreements, so good job.  A few things I noticed as a reader: This piece reads less like a story and more like an emotional vignette that a story can rise from. The main character is emotionally exhausted and distraught at his current situation, and he is not sure where his next step is going to be (other than a walk). The tone of this piece, with a good many short sentences, voices a man who's just had enough. Was it choppy? It was a little, but I think it suited the situation.  I don't know if this character is separated from his significant other or if she is just not around, but the three words that kept rising in my mind as I read this was "divorce or suicide". Maybe he will simply become lethargic and accept his fate, as so many people in this day and age tragically become. I liked the visual that you ended with. It illustrates the hopelessness of his current emotions with something so cruel and innocent. He compares himself to the ants who are designed to simply work their lives away as part of the farm of their insect society until death inevitably takes them. At least it's sunny outside, though definitely not within. Thank you for being patient with me. This is quite a long review for flash fiction. And thank you for allowing me to review your piece. I'm just another reader and writer so use or discard any of my suggestions at your personal discretion. If you make changes and would like me to reassess your piece, feel free to e-mail me.  Keep writing and keep improving! —Brandi
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You responded to this review 06/20/2016 @ 9:06pm EDT