Alright... this is a really long piece, but like the last review, you can apply most of what I'm going to say to the entire set of poems.

From what I have read of yours so far, it seems clear that deliberate word choice and de-cluttering are going to be your best friends when revising. Let's take a look at the first part... and you can use the tips for that to work on the other parts.

Watch your repetition. Broken is used three times here, love appears five times, and sacrament another three. Also, two uses of broken are exactly the same: "to mend the broken". This is such a tiny section... so the repetition literally makes me feel like I'm reading the same thing over and over. I recommend restructuring so that you don't have to bring up the same subject again. Talk about the broken and move on... Bring up the 'sacrament' and say everything you need to say about it. It's the easiest way to go about it (aside from using synonyms, which don't really solve the entire issue of the repetition).

The hook isn't a super strong one to pull the reader into the piece. I'd recommend starting with the warning. "I gave her everything I could" is not nearly as engaging as "Warning: You will shatter." You have this idea within the opening line, but it's buried. Be direct. Slap the reader in the face with it... they will want to keep reading. "Warning: You will shatter. Advice ignored, I gave her everything"? Something like that would work well.

This type of edit also has the benefit of de-cluttering the bulky phrasing. "I could even" and "of being" and "and broken"... none of those are really strong and interesting phrases. They're just connectors or repetitions (shattered and broken are synonyms that differ so slightly as to not really matter in this case). Just a bit of restructuring and your hook becomes streamlined. This is the type of thing that will greatly help your work, in my opinion.

I like the idea of your heart being ripped apart to mend her. That is an really cool idea, but again... it is buried beneath bulk. "She patched fragile pieces of herself with bits of my heart, my sacrament." Make the cool idea the star. Obviously, you don't need to use my phrasing at all. It's just an example that 1. let's the cool idea shine and 2. cuts the bulk of "to her was" and "torn into half" and "to/the" from 'to mend the'.

Allow me to indulge myself for a moment here.

Personally, I would plant the image of a bicycle tire in there... like she is literally using pieces of your heart to patch herself. Stellar sort of imagery in that. And why a bicycle? Well... I like to use consistent concepts, and this is a very versatile idea-- she rides you, spokes and treads as inflictors of pain, a tandem bike as a synonym for love (a bicycle built for two) while she prefers to ride alone on tires patched with pieces of your heart, making the journey together uncomfortable... by the time you realize it, perhaps you're on a steep and endless hill, hurtling forward with too much momentum to stop.

Welcome to my writing process? This is the type of thing that makes a poem uniquely yours. Anyone can have the same idea... giving someone your heart as an act of love is not a unique idea by any means (neither is them taking and never giving). What makes it your own? If it was mine, this sort of bike motif would make it my own. It would give me imagery as well... and lots of figurative language. It would give me something to play with. Just like the last piece, you have lots of ideas in here that could be really cool, so it's time to give it another look and see what could make it a standout.

Anyway, pardon my brainstorming session there. I write poetry myself, and now and then, an idea really sticks. If it's okay with you, I think I might just write the poem I was talking about. You inspired me.

As for your poem here, I did read all of the sections, and I think that some of what I've been talking about could help in each part. De-clutter, really think about every word you use. If you see a long run of words that are boring (e.g. "or so I thought, until the day I go the" - all common, dull sorts of connecting words), rewrite to highlight the idea better and cut the bulk. A more direct approach might do the trick. After all, it definitely made the opening lines more concise:

"I gave her everything I could even against her warning of being shattered and broken. My sacrament to her was my heart, torn into half, to mend the broken and fragile pieces of her."

"Warning: You will shatter. Advice ignored, I gave her everything, and she patched fragile pieces of herself with bits of my heart, my sacrament."

What I said means the same thing as what you said, but look at the difference. You're welcome to use any parts of that you want too, but my intention wasn't to rewrite your work. Nice really early draft. Good luck with your revisions, love!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .