This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " 

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I'm assuming that large amount of gift points attached to this means you are serious about eventually seeing if you can get this published. For that reason this may come across harsher than I intend. Let's see if I can earn them. Overall I do see potential here. There appears to be a good underlying story line. After reading the entire chapter, I am curious as to where this goes.

My Favorite Elements:

Your description is excellent. You describe the place well. You also pay attention to character development.

Suggestions:

There is what I see as one major flaw and it has nothing to do with your writing ability or plot. The issue is storytelling. This story is tagged as action/adventure and thriller/suspense/mystery. I read the first paragraph and my mind said, romance, and kept saying that all the way to paragraph seventeen. That's where you finally introduced your hook. Few readers will give you that much time to introduce that especially in this genre. Publishers won't give you much more than the first paragraph before setting it aside.

There is nothing wrong with detailed description or romance in this genre. My first action/adventure... book has a romantic subplot running from beginning to end and it holds the whole thing together.

That first paragraph has to have your hook and some kind of movement/action. You have a sweet couple looking over a beautiful loch. Great paragraph but that isn't the place for that. If you fix this one thing you have a shot at getting the attention of a publisher.

A couple of nitpicks to finish.

"...my flower, my dear, my love..." This is overdone. I found it distracting and took away from otherwise well put together dialogue.

You have some adverb killing to do as well. I don't worry too much about the ones that fall in actual dialogue but outside of that they should be minimized especially in dialogue tags. Eagerly, mentally, softly etc. You'll find a lot of them can be just deleting without shifting the meaning or mood.

Overall:

Once we got to the hook, the story became a whole lot more interesting. You write well but there are novel writing rules you can't ignore. If you can get that hook and some action at the beginning I can see this going somewhere. Hope what I've said will help you realize your goal here and not discourage you.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .