Hi aaron2797! Thank you for sharing this work

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Why I chose to review this work: You have requested that I look this over and to see what I think. I am most happy to do so. I want to take my time with this, so here goes:

My first impression: This is an excellent start to a wonderful fantasy story. Telepathy and travel using the mind is an interesting concept that you've chosen to use in your writing. I found your writing flows well, and the dialog between the characters is easy to picture in my mind.

How I feel about this: Your story has captured my interest, and I would love to review it again in the future, if you wanted.

Some suggestions I have: Just a few suggestions: but keep in mind, these are my opinion only:

Aryla, take four men (add comma after the name)
The seven soldiers unsheathe unsheathed their swords and Aryla pulls pulled out two daggers from a harness on her back.
“So, what is it you need to talk to me about?” Vallan’s heart stops as a foreboding overtook him.
These are just a few of the things I found, and I would be glad to share with you more of my opinions, but just know I am not a "grammar" expert.

I would also love to see some more backstory to your characters. There is enough written about them to make them interesting, but I am always wanting to know the character inside and out (I'm greedy that way).

Overall: You've seemed to have thought out this story from the beginning. It shows wonderful promise, and I believe that after some fine-tuning (grammar issues), I believe that this will be an excellent fantasy story.


sincerely,

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