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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4153211
Review #4153211
Viewing a review of:
 Vamparisi Codes Open in new Window. [13+]
Millennial old Codes that were written by ancients to keep Vamparisi safe
by JaceCar Author Icon
Review of Vamparisi Codes  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hello JaceCar Author Icon. I am here to give you a dose or R&R. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. However, before I go any further, I would to help you understand my reviews. When you see "L," that stands for "Line;" the "S" means "Suggestion." These are just my opinions. It is up to you, whether or not to use these.

Overall Impression


First off, I must let you know something. I love anything and everything supernatural, as well as having to deal with vampires in any way. I read through the "Vamparisi Codes" and enjoyed it. The codes are written clear. They are easy to understand. The authority behind it feels strong. I loved the dividers too.

Great job! I look forward to reading more of this novel.

First Code: Secrecy.


L1: Vamparisi...means.
S1: A comma would work well before "to" and after "Humans." This will make it easier to read.
Try: Vamparisi should not and will not expose themselves, to Humans, in any public forum or by any means.
OR: Vamparisi should not (and will not) expose themselves to Humans, in any public forum or by any means.

Second Code: Judicious Feeling.


L1: Take...Vamparisi.
S1: Place a comma after "feeding."
S2: Switch the words "not to" here. It reads better.
Try: Take care when feeding, to not create accidental Vamparisi.

Third Code: Loyalty.


Great sentences! I could not find any suggestions to offer.

Fourth Code: War


L1: Factions...awareness.
S1: Rewrite this. I feel you could write two separate sentences without losing its meaning.
Try: Factions may fight other factions, even to the death. They will take place in a set monitored area, away from human awareness.

Fifth Code: Necuratism.

L4: For...act.
S1: Place a comma before "for" and after "oaths."
Try: For anyone else to do this, for any purpose other than homage/fealty oaths, is seen as a criminal act.

Rating


*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


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