Scroll: How can I make this better: "I Have Worth..."

What is on the page:

This is an interesting experience. It relays a potent message.

It's written in a style that is often used in amateur memoir -- it tells the reader the "punch line" parts of the story at the beginning, "telegraphing the punch line" as stand-up comedians would put it, which robs the reader of the chance to experience the events along with the writer.

Maybe this tendency is a side effect of the directions for how to write a 5-paragraph essay most people learned in school: "Tell them what you're going to tell them, tell them, and then tell them what you told them." Maybe it's because most people feel they have to give others a reason or explanation up front why what they are about to tell them is worthwhile. Perhaps with persuasive didactic writing that's what's required.

However, "story", whether fiction or nonfiction, does its own persuading, simply by conveying a realistic virtual experience. Effective fiction doesn't offer the reader a choice about continuing to read -- the way it's presented on the page pulls the reader in and keeps their attention.

Memoir is more powerful when the reader gets to experience the "learning" along with the narrator in time-line order. This happens when the text begins with introducing the problem and progresses through the narrator's experience to find out the solution/result/resolution of the problem at the end, the same way effective fiction is usually organized.

This also has what some editors have referred to as "throat-clearing" -- material at the beginning that gets the writer in gear, but that the reader doesn't need in order to understand. These parts can be deleted to make a crisper beginning.


Stage in the writing process (from 1.0 to 5.0): 3.5 -- functional, something of interest, still needs work.


Suggestions:

Healing my hurt after my husband's infidelity:
--> Not sure - maybe this is a prompt or a memory jogger for you about what this piece is about? For the reader, it's a summary of the piece which ruins the surprise at the end -- too much information too soon.

When I had this experience, my husband and I had reconciled after he had been with another woman. He and I are no longer together but the lesson is still with me.
--> Also too much information too soon.
-----> When I had this experience, -- This part changes the immediacy of the reader's default perspective to the more distant "this is old news".
-----> He and I are no longer together -- This is way out of time-line order, a result that comes much later.
-----> but the lesson is still with me. -- This is way out of time-line order, a result that is set in the present.
-----> These two pieces are part of the statement of "the problem", but they are reversed from the time-line order (grammar issue: changing the order around will require changing the pronoun/antecedent arrangement):
          1) he had been with another woman
          2) my husband and I had reconciled

I was tortured by thoughts of him having been with the other woman.
--> This is the third piece of introducing "the problem". It belongs with the other two pieces in an introductory paragraph.

I prayed and asked God to heal this memory.
I was sitting in my rocking chair praying. My eyes were open.
the livingroom
--> These pieces are doing the same job -- establishing the beginning of "the event" and the setting of "the event". They belong in the same place, opening the second paragraph. The natural order is "when where, who did what" If either the when or the where is unimportant, they can be omitted. Here I don't see any when information except that it was after the reconciliation. The time/day might not be important. If it is, add it.
For example:
I went to the living room and sat in my rocking chair to pray with my eyes open. I asked God to heal this memory.

I told God I did not want that kind of healing [this time][...]
--> Ellipses are not an effective way to end a complete sentence. Use a period.
--> Was the praying aloud or silent? If aloud, that could be done as speech in quotes.
--> The natural place for when information is at the beginning of what it applies to:
I told God that this time I did not want that kind of healing.
I told God, this time I don't want that kind of healing.

I notice something across the room. A blurry, translucent circle in the air in front of my fireplace.
--> noticed
--> across the room: a blurry, /or/ across the room -- a blurry,

penny.It was still
--> missing space after the period

in space across the livingroom but now I could tell it was a penny.
--> comma before but
--> across the living room might not be necessary here. living isn't necessary.

At this point, I lost sight of the room and
(my eyes may have been closed now)
--> These pieces of information belong in the same spot. The possibility of whether the eyes were closed or not can be addressed after losing sight of the room.

I suddenly knew
--> this is the second use of suddenly. Suggest instead: I now knew

The next thing I saw (my eyes may have been closed now), the next thing I saw
--> two beginnings to the sentence.

was a large sun tea jar full of pennies.
--> for clarity and grammar: sun-tea

I saw my husband drop that penny that was worth thousands and thousands of dollars into that jar.
--> some redundancy here.
----->The piece only contains one special penny at this point, so "that penny" refers (with emphasis) to the valuable penny. Alternatively, to restate the value, don't use the that's and be more concise: drop the penny worth thousands of dollars into
-----> Also just one jar, not as important, so "the jar" is enough.

Then beside the jar, I saw
--> Using "then" raises the question of whether there was time-lapse between dropping the penny and putting the pennies into the paper wrappers.
-----> If there was a time shift, it needs to be made more specific on the page.
-----> If not, omit the "Then" and simply show that your attention moved. Also, "I saw" has been used twice now -- time to break the pattern (the rule of two and a half).
          Beside the jar, I noticed

pink penny wrappers, several of them[, and then ]my husband put all the pennies from the jar into those penny wrappers.
--> "several" penny wrappers doesn't seem like enough penny wrappers to hold all the pennies in a large sun-tea jar that is "full". Suggest using wording that means "a lot"; for ex: a pile of pink penny wrappers
--> This would read better as two sentences; break it at the [ ] and omit what's in the [ ].
--> into the penny wrappers is specific enough here. There aren't any others on the page, and they aren't special.

He then took them to the bank and cashed them in.
--> With the previous "then"s gone, this one can move back to the front of the sentence where it reads smoother: Then he took

He lost that penny worth thousands and thousands of dollars because he did not recognize its value. He lost me for the same reason.
--> With the out-of-time-line-order material removed from the beginning, this needs a bit of rewrite to put in what's needed for the finale.
          The first sentence works okay as is. It might read smoother as the penny worth
          The sentence that should go next isn't on the page yet: draw the parallel between the penny and "I" the narrator -- something like: He did not recognize my value/worth either.
          The information that they are no longer together/"He lost me" can be put next.
                    The timing of the loss could be added along with this.
          Finally, the information that the lesson is still with the narrator. Although the fact that the narrator is telling the "story" makes that unnecessary on the page.

The title (and Brief Description if this was in an item) also should not give away too much information.
For the title, something else (1) closely related to the story and (2) interesting would be better. A couple title possibilities: The Value of a Penny / Worth a Penny
For a Brief Description, focus on something about "the problem" instead of "the event" or "the solution".


Keep writing!