Author: ~ Aqua ~
Reviewer: Cobe



General Impressions :I picked this piece because I have really gotten into writing horror lately and love to read everything others are creating in the genre. This piece had some nice horror elements to it!

Favorite Parts :The description of the impression in the bed when no one else was there. Nice and chilling!

Characters :Adrian and Alexis - You've named them early and they were easy to keep separate and not get confused. We got a little more sense of who Adrian was than Alexis but for someone who was so eager to fix his problem, he ended up being too accepting I think at the end.

Hook:Horror, for me, is a hook all by itself. The ending certainly brings another lingering horror element to it.

Setting :Other than descriptions of the house, we don't get much sense of where this is taking place. But in short stories, that's okay. The reader should just get a sense of where the action is. A few more elements in the room where they were would have helped induce atmosphere, though, which is important in a horror story. Instead of just a table, you could have had an intricately carved table with faces of gargoyles and clawed feet, for example. Or a chandalier made from what appeared to be human finger bones.

Dialog : You did pretty good with the dialog but I did find myself confused a couple of times. Remember to place dialog with the beats and tag line of a character all in one paragraph, and then change paragraphs between characters.

Voice:3rd person limited

Suggestions:A couple of things I noticed:

1. This has a lot of repeat of words in it which can confuse and/or bore the reader. An easy way to eliminate repeats like this is to read a piece out loud to yourself.

For example:"The lady behind the small desk pointed to a small space..."

2. The other thing to watch is character actions and paragraphing. Always change paragraphs when you change a character to keep the reader from being confused about who is doing what.

For example:"Alexis pointed to the mat opposite of her for Adrian to sit on. Adrian settled himself and waited for the woman to do her job. She wasn't doing anything but looking at him. Wasn't she going to see his hand, do something..."

This should be in three separate paragraphs.
1 - Alexis pointed to the mat ...
2 - Adrian settled himself ...
3 - She wasn't doing anything ...


Overall this is a quick horror read that gave me a few chills. I'm glad you shared it and hope you think about doing a revision and maybe expanding on it to add some more harrowing details!

These are just my thoughts and ideas as I read this piece and are intended to help. Please use what you can and ignore the rest. You know what is best for your story.

I hope this is useful. Happy Writing!
Cobe

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .