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 Review #4054678 |
| Hello, jessenovels13. My name is Charlie and I'm happy to be reviewing your short story, "Invalid Item"  today. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely.   General Impressions: This one is a mixed bag for me. There were things I really liked and others that didn't work so well. I'll detail each in my review. This is the story of a woman exploring love. She has been badly hurt by relationships in the past, so it's a big deal for her when she feels her boyfriend, Gerard, might be 'the one'. Of course, we wouldn't have this story if life were so simple.The story opens up well and catches the reader's attention. It continues to hold our attention throughout. We feel for Lisa and her mother in the end because they had such a strong relationship and now they would never see each other again. Lisa also doesn't strike me as someone who would ever deserve something like this to happen to them, so I definitely felt for her character.  Best Parts: I could not stop laughing at the part where Lisa told the elderly woman, “I’m in love and it’s the best feeling in the world. I wish you could relive this feeling”, only to be promptly told off. I was thinking while I was reading that part, damn, what a bitch! The old lady’s reaction was just wonderful.  I love the comment about the typical name of wannabe lawyers. If I can add, it’s all the douche bag names, Bradley, Chad, Berry… I actually overheard a phone call in a restaurant once and the guy’s name was Chadley. He had, like, twelve popped collars, no joke. I think you did an excellent job of making the characters feel realistic. The whole conversation Lisa has with her coworker, Jackie, and the way she talks about the affair the boss is having really brings Lisa to life. Her tone is sarcastic and funny. There were a lot of ways I felt like I could relate to her character because her personality did come off so strongly.  Possible Suggestions: There were numerous technical errors that became quite distracting after a while. I've included a list of some of them below, but there are many more. I'm sure you'll be able to catch most of them with a read through.Lisa always settle.. This is one that is consistent throughout. There are many verbs that should be past tense but are written in present tense. This one should be settled instead of settle. deep inside she was proud of her daughter of being so brave I think the second of should be for. “ Love you , Bye.” Lisa had to be the one to hang up.. Another issue here that occurs repeatedly. The spacing in the quotations is awkward. It might be from copy/pasting from another source, but it will definitely need to be edited. Also, bye is capitalized here even though there is only a comma before it. But not once did the thought of tossing him out to the streets ever crossed their mind.. Crossed should be cross. She was dying to know what surprised he had for her. Surprised should be surprise. ..they had been going out for six months, something she hadn’t bother telling her mother on the train.. Bother should be bothered. Jackie was twenty-eight, perky breast, thin and easy.. Breast should be breasts. Bradley complemented her on her stunning outfit.. Complimented would be the correct spelling. ..probably miss placing her gift. Miss placing should be misplacing. Once she was strip of her clothing.. Strip should be strip. Again, on their own, these aren't major issues, but once I got halfway through the story, it was very distracting. As far as other things, I felt like the suspense wasn't built up enough. The story seems to be lacking direction until Gerard hits Lisa over the head with a baseball bat. If it weren't for the tags stating this was a horror story, I probably wouldn't have gotten far enough to find that out just because the atmosphere and tone of the story aren't there. While it might be a shock when Gerard turns out to be the bad guy, I felt like there should be some prior interaction between the two of them instead of just Lisa talking to Maggie about how much she likes him. I'd like to see it build up to this big moment where he kills her.  Summary: You've got a talent for character building. I felt like your characters were easy to relate to and sympathise with while reading the story. There needs to be an edit to catch all the grammar errors and I feel like some parts could be more fleshed out to build the horror mood of the story. Thanks again for sharing with us! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 11/05/2014 @ 4:16pm EST