Greetings, amy-Finally writing a novel. ! I am reviewing this piece as part of the Children's Package you bid on in "Genre Auction Fundraiser Folder" .

"Invalid Entry" 

Like I said in the last review, you are a good storyteller. Mermaid tales are popular with kids right now, too. I liked how in the end, Hazel easily gave up the bead, expecting nothing in return but the king of the merpeople gave her an unusual dark red stone found only in the sea. It's a nice story. I liked it!

I have a few suggestions listed below. My reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works, and leave the rest.

Paragraph 4

"I'm closing up now and tomorrow is the Fair and instead of opening I will have a stall at the fair.
The word "fair" feels repetitious in this sentence making it a little awkward. Here is one suggestion you might consider:
"I'm closing up now. And tomorrow, instead of opening, I will have a stall at the Fall Fair.

Paragraph 5

Please Miss
Add an apostrophe for pause after the word "Please."
Please, Miss

Paragraph 6

Hazel decided that a few minutes more wouldn't hurt and let the stranger in.
Try to avoid the word "that" whenever possible. If you can read the sentence without it and it makes perfect sense, you don't need it.
Hazel decided a few minutes more wouldn't hurt and let the stranger in.

Paragraph 7

When they wer inside he took something
wer = were / consider adding a comma for pause after "inside."
When they were inside, he took something

she realized that it was very different that any other beads that she had seen before.
Note there are three "that" words here. I'm pretty sure the second one was meant to be "than" instead. The other two could be eliminated.
she realized it was very different than any other beads she had seen before.

Paragraph 9

So she agreed to buy the bead. When she suggested a price, the stranger agreed and, putting the bead on her counter, left.
The word "agree" feels repetitious. Here is one example you might consider...
So she decided to buy the bead. When she suggested a price, the stranger agreed and, putting the bead on her counter, left.

The last sentence above and the two that follow in your story, all begin with the word "When." Consider rewording at least the second sentence to avoid repetition.

Paragraph 12

Hazel know then that these were two of the merpeople that lived in the waters of Callah.
know --> knew / Consider replacing the second "that" with "who."
Hazel knew then that these were two of the merpeople who lived in the waters of Callah.

Paragraph 13

One of the merpeople-a man-said,”Hello, I am King Whalor, king of the sea.
Perhaps you would consider eliminating the dashes and also "a man" as the reader will know it is a man when he mentions he is king of the sea. Be sure to put a space between the comma and quotation mark.
One of the merpeople said, ”Hello, I am King Whalor, king of the sea.

Paragraph 14

one of the Merpeople
You have not capped the M in merpeople before this, so you might want to stay consistent one way or the other.
one of the merpeople

Paragraph 15

“I think that you have something that belongs to me.
I bet by now, you already know what I'm going to suggest!
“I think that you have something that belongs to me.

Paragraph 19

“If it was stolen from you than I have no right
than --> then
“If it was stolen from you then I have no right

Paragraph 21

“Hazel,”Whaloer shouted to a frightened Hazel,”raise the bead high in the air.”
You might consider using exclamation marks here as the king is shouting. Also, you misspelled his name here. "Hazel" feels repetitious, too. (and don't forget to use spaces where needed.) Here is one option...
“Hazel!” Whalor shouted to the frightened woman. ”Raise the bead high in the air!”

Paragraph 23

“That's how it wouks,”
wouks = works
“That's how it works,”

Paragraph 26

fom the top
fom = from
from the top

Paragraph 30

listen to the Merpeople sing.
Stay consistent.
listen to the merpeople sing.

Something else you'll want to do is go through this and add spaces in several places, such as said,”You'll / said,”and / answered,”In and several more areas. You also might want to revisit your comma choices here and there. Remember if there is a pause in the sentence, use a comma. Otherwise one is not needed.

I think your characters interact very well. You also have this special style with your writing, like your tales are from long ago. I like this about them.

I know you wanted a thorough review, so I hope you found this helpful. Thank you for bidding on my package!

Have a great day and'
K e e p on W r i t i n g !

Cubby ")



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .