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 Review #4052263 |
 | "The Peanut Butter Troll"  [E] "The Peanut Butter Troll" a Green Door Story. It's a work in progress.  |
| (4.0)  Welcome to WDC JSS!I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!   I was drawn to the title on the Read A Newbie page and thought the concept of a Peanut butter troll was  It made me curious. I love fantasy too.This is a deligthful episode that drew me in with the Creak of the door! You set up a mystery as we do not know where we are or who is running and who opened the door. I like the build up up to the arrival of the main character. Then you set us up for the next chapter well as he meet this unknown--I assume , human.  The description of Peeayah and his movements are vivid. I loved when he "curled up into a ball and awaited his doom".whenhe is talikingn inside his head maybe put those words in Italics to seaprtate from narrative and speech. eg “Take deep breaths, Peeayah, take deep breaths just like they taught you in 3rd. Grade industry.” Use {i} and then {/} at the end of the line. I wonder if, for an easier read you could break up the first paragraph a bit. Maybe after the THUD--you could add a space line The other paragraphing is good. I am not sure which age gorup htis is for--but it makes it a bit easier to break it up.It is good idea not to use "ly" adverbs like breathlessly, as they are not really showing descriptives and are frowned on in publishing these days. Be vivid and clear. I would drop the "poke, poke" as you already said he jabbed him. We can get the picture from that.There may be other points of story stuctures that I missed sas I am no pro., but I loved the story. I wonder whose home it is and what a Gaarlick is and how the door opened, and cannot wait to read the next chapter. Lots ot go with!I so enjoyed the creativity, characters, names and action of this episode. Keep on going! Thank you for sharing your unique craft. You might like : "Writing 4 Kids Group" Light on the path as you write on! eyestar    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 10/26/2014 @ 2:50pm EDT