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 Review #4036316 |
 | The Shadows - Chapter 1 (revamped)  [13+] First chapter of the story that I am currently working on - revamped and content added.  |
| (4.0)| ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Greetings! The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your item. At a glance, I know right away if it is appealing on the page and is easy to read and understand. If it is in one huge paragraph, it becomes too difficult to read. The format of your story was good, it was divided into paragraphs and it was easy to follow and read it. The title of your story is very good. I was searching for items to read from the newbie work list and this title really attracted me to read it. "The Shadows" is like a wide term in which anything could happen, mostly it could be a horror story or in your case, a fantasy story. I really look forward to reading the remaining chapters because this seem like a really interesting novel  It is important for the first chapter to leave a good impression on the reader because only then will the reader be willing to read the rest of the novel, therefore good job!The setting is really important. A nice balance of imagery and well written word made me feel as if I was there. I liked the choice of words used that can show the reader the story. Since this is only a beginning and a chapter, the length was fine, though it could have been much more longer for example 2k-3k words. While punctuation errors can make a piece impossible to read, often I can pass over them, depending on what it is, and noting where and what so the writer can go back and revise them. It is often something easily fixed. The red phrases are from your story whereas the green text is my personal opinion. These are the scars turned her into a heartless bitch. These are the scars that turned her into a heartless bitch. The people in the crowd shied away when she tried to talk to them The people in the crowd would shield away when she tried to talk to them The rating of the story should be 13+ because of language, including the word 'bitch'. Also, I suggest you add "Mystery" genre to it as well. I love dialogue. I take note if it has any or if it has the character's thoughts. The dialogues in your story were written correctly and each of them had their own voice and tone. They did not distract the reader from the original story and they enhanced your work. The dialogues were not mixed either. The story must not only be told in a logical order, but must have a feel to it. That means I 'm not stopping and starting abruptly, or stumbling over the words or distanced for some other reason.The flow of your story was good but I felt that it was quite fast paced. There are details missing about where she works, what does she do, where she lives, what has she faced that day to feel angry or disturbed about and small details like these. My favourite part of the story was the title, the amazing plot and the strong opening. This is a really good chapter and it has a lot of potential! Immediately after reading it, I wish to read the next chapters too! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR WORK! Write On!  Have a nice day/night!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 07/07/2015 @ 7:04pm EDT