This is a very intriguing story, with a great plot line. In a short time you did establish good vs the bad and of course had the surprising twist at the end. The story had a nice flow to it and moved nicely through the various scenes.

I love how you really brought the characters to life with dialogue and describing what they were feeling during the story. You "showed" us the characters moments rather than telling us. The creative use of words help visualize the scene's and create tension.

During the dialogue some of the extra punctuation help, however some it did seem to get in the way. The extra spacing did help make the story easier to read but could be tighten up a bit.

Very nicely done and I hope there is more to come.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .