Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Overall impression: This story of a rebellion builds slowly to an explosive end. The story details helps the reader get a feel for the setting and the mood. The style is easy to read.
Characterization: Mr. Orion tells the story. The conflict and mood is well conveyed in the interaction with Jarek Deacon.
Dialogue: The dialogue is good and advances the story. Some of the longer passages could be broken up with a look at the listeners reactions.
Twists and turns: Jarek Deacon violent response was a surprise.
Area(s) for improvement: I have some suggestions.
notes ▼
humanity determined - humanity, determined
Foundation Square - more detail of what this is
wouldn't, we - wouldn't; we
Freedom...in - Freedom . . . in
Statue and - Statue, and
heart I - heart, I
me looking - me, looking
moment I - moment, I
existence...” - existence. . . .”
flag I - flag, I
world.”, I - world.” I
Tower, “Those - Tower. “Those
obedience to to a - obedience to a
resistance, and - no comma
obstacle we - obstacle, we
Cheering - cheering
time, the - time. The
us, we - us; we
of annoyed and angry - of annoyance and anger
see I - see, I
However I - However, I
disperse and - disperse, and
harmed, we - harmed; we
wrists and - wrists, and
then I - then, I
Rebellion, however this - Rebellion; however, this
The crowd - new paragraph
I stood - new paragraph
unmoved and suddenly the - unmoved, and suddenly, the
instant I - instant, I
as I watched the towering - as I towering
fall to - fell to
SyCon and - SyCon, and
Kyra cam - Kyra came
eyes and - eyes, and
up, we - up; we
When you have a chance stop by "
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pinkbarbie and Paul.
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