I am here with a review of your poem, "Bend Over (revised version)"  Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback.


This free verse poem describes the movements of the sea and the moon as lovers, and explores a deep and somewhat steamy relationship between the two with a goldmine of imagery, a beautiful portrayal of nature and exquisite emotion -- almost undefinable.


I love the imagery! The words create such vivid glimpses of the scene, and instead of describing it outright ("the waves were furling and unfurling like scrolls" or "the caravel left a wake") you just drop them in, mentioning them in passing as if it's the most natural thing in the world. That's style.

The personification deeply enriches the narrative. The moon and sea as lovers is not an uncommon comparison but you certainly presented it in a way that excelled any other I've read. So nice work.


The repetition very effectively gives the poem an ebbing and flowing atmosphere. This made me feel the poem from head to toe. Subconsciously, I was standing on the share gazing out to sea.

I like it how you use the senses to paint the picture, although I would like more (taste? touch? smell?).

Another factor of your poem that I enjoy is how every time I read over it I get more out of it. I like studying poetry, not just reading it, so this one suits me well. There's enough ambiguity in it that I don't "get it" entirely the first time, but the more I examine it the more I understand it -- and it is understandable, unlike many modern poems that go for more ambiguity than the reader can handle.

Oh, and did I notice you introduce a touch of jealousy with mention of the sun towards the end? You haven't left a stone of love unturned! Every aspect is explored.


There is an epic feeling to this poem, as if you are telling the reader of a secret, a story that no one has heard before.

As I said before, I think the strength of your poem is the imagery. Breath-taking.

Every line had a moment to shine, but there were some lines that stood out as my favourites:

Path of light across the sea This is a lovely way to open the poem. I can just see the light wafting out from the moon across the oily surface of the water.

moon-voyager, restless planet I have always seen the moon and the sea as having a special connection, the way the moon controls the tides. It seems to guide the ocean. (And seeing as these are my two favourite parts of nature, along with clouds, I am somewhat biased towards them, perhaps a reason why I love this poem so much. ) The moon and sea never fail to make me feel restless and lonely, like a wanderer, a ship lost at sea. This line brought that out once more.

following all its bends Bends of the sea... I had never thought of it that way, but it's true how water curves.

paying tolls of pearl and salt,
paying tolls of breath and blood. Amazing contrasts! And the idea of "tolls", offerings, taxes. A fascinating perspective.

furl like the waves, then unfurl
in endless scrolls of salt. These are my favourite of all! The waves furling and unfurling like scrolls, and what's more, scrolls of salt. Mmmm...delicious, vivid, haunting. I can't get over these lines. Incredible!

the hollows and swells of the sky You really don't hesitate to make everything 3D by painting with the brush of perspective, do you? "Hollows and swells" is a beautiful turn of phrase. I love it.

who goes before you The sun prepares the way, lays the red carpet down, clears the skies and leaves a trail of light for the moon. See how much I can imagine from four simple words?

through endless cloud-countries Worlds above us, countries in the clouds. Hints at infinity, as nature always runs its course. It makes me wonder if this pattern will ever come to an end, as your poem is about to.

now stained with blood and wine I instantly saw sunset. Wow, you really blow me away! (And I think I just about copied and pasted every line of your poem into my "favourite lines" section! Sorry. )


I recommend you enter this poem in a contest such as "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"  I think it would be a winner. However, you would have to remove the section of prose at the end. And I have something to say about that, too:

My main problem with this piece is the body of text below the poem. You go on in heavily purple prose and I feel like this doesn't add anything to the poem that hasn't been said already. In fact, I feel like it let the poem down, as if you as the author are intruding with your voice into a passionate love story that has already told itself hoping for the last word. It seems unfair and out of place. I advise removing this altogether, or perhaps placing it in another item as a separate piece of prose. It's nice prose, but it just doesn't do the poem justice. This is the only reason I have not given your poem a 5-star rating.

Some other small suggestions:

Line two seems too long. Consider splitting it in two or removing "sphere of light", since that doesn't really hold to the standard of the other phrases. And speaking of light:

The word "light" is repeated five times. That seems a bit excessive, and I'm sure your vocabulary is large enough (or your Thesaurus within arm's reach! ) to find other words with more variety and precision to describe light.

following the curving highway the tides mark "the tides mark" seemed clumsy to me. Perhaps it would sound better if you rearranged it to following the curving highway marked by the tides or something?

in that caravel's wake I didn't know what a caravel is and had to look the word up. Other readers might find it the same. Could you add a footnote with a definition?


Overall, a wonderful read and I'm glad I came across it. Thanks for sharing your work with a community. I am now your fan and look forward to reading more. Please write more poems like this! :-[

I have enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem, and I hope you find my feedback useful and encouraging. Keep up the great work!

Fi



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .