Review on behalf of the Anime and Manga Group

What you’re tackling here is a deep and powerful issue. I don’t feel that your story quite makes the most of it but I can certainly see potential here. I like the father not realising that he’s passing his own failings onto his sons as his father had to him, as a plot line it has a lot of promise.

The first thing I suggest you change is your opening. The ghostly torsos just made me think, oh my god not another one of those ‘Sixth Sense’ type stories, and it isn’t so you need to get rid of that association and make the opening more in keeping with the plot and tone of the rest of the story. I would start out with the flashbacks to the battle and not just describing them as they happened from a viewpoint in the present but actually putting the character there. Real flash backs. I would have him wake in the middle of the night and stumble out of bed into the bathroom to avoid waking his wife, perhaps embarrassed, like he feels his trauma is a sign of weakness.

You seriously need to look at the formatting of the piece, as at the moment it is just one long wall of text. You need to line space it or tab it:

Tina was no fool she knew something was wrong, she turned and saw me creeping away. “ Philip! Where do you think your going?” I froze, and turned to face her, I smiled a nervous smile. I looked down at the ground the same way the boys do when they’re caught doing wrong. Tina sauntered over and lifted my chin. She shook her head and put her hands on her hips.as she took in the dried blood under my nose and on my shirt. My knuckles were raw and bloody. Tina sighed, “What happened now!”
“Why does it have to be my fault?”
“I asked what happened, plus, I know you!”

When people first open an item and see the above they will just immediately hit the back button and find something else to read. I’ve given an example of how to space it out below.

Tina was no fool she knew something was wrong, she turned and saw me creeping away. “ Philip! Where do you think your going?”

I froze, and turned to face her, I smiled a nervous smile. I looked down at the ground the same way the boys do when they’re caught doing wrong.

Tina sauntered over and lifted my chin. She shook her head and put her hands on her hips as she took in the dried blood under my nose and on my shirt. My knuckles were raw and bloody. Tina sighed, “What happened now!”

“Why does it have to be my fault?”

“I asked what happened, plus, I know you!”

As well as the formatting, there are a lot of grammar issues in this piece. Comma and punctuation usage is particularly bad:

We stopped at the gate I thought the gate would fall off it’s hinges if I tried to open it.

This needs to be two sentences:

We stopped at the gate. I thought the gate would fall off its hinges if I tried to open it.

Also ‘it’s’ is an abbreviation of ‘it is’ here you mean it as a possessive which is ‘its’.

I started to say something, nothing came out, I was speechless, my eyes narrowed I could feel the wrinkles on my forehead standing at attention.

This needs restructuring. You have a lot of spliced sentences here which require a joining word.

I started to say something, but nothing came out. I was speechless, and my eyes narrowed as I could feel the wrinkles on my forehead standing to attention.

Anyway, the above issues run all the way through. It makes it hard to read as it feels very incoherent.

I also had a problem with some of the dialogue. The persona of the main character as someone quite strong willed and unwilling to accept help seems to be contradicted in dialogue with his wife and his father where he comes across as extremely submissive. I think there needs to be more spirit and a little more resistance, that doesn’t mean full blown arguments, maybe more agreements for the sake of peace, rather than him actually meaning them. More ‘yes dear’ and less easy agreements. The dialogue also didn’t feel natural to me either. It didn’t strike me as what real people would speak like. The accent feels uncomfortable when compared with the actual words used in the speech. The way things are conveyed in the conversations is too formal and uses to many words and the accent contradicts that as accents make things less formal and because of this the dialogue feels unnatural.

“Well, you’re teaching them our way. I’ve learned anger isn't the only way to settle things. Matter of fact it causes more problems. Look at today your anger brought you here. If’n you had settled down that hog wouldn't have hurt you. Think about it. I know you’re hard headed and don’t care for busy bodies. Just sip on that beer and think for a spell. I've had plenty of time to sort my problems out.

I would shorten it to the below:

“You’re teaching them our way. Anger isn't the only way to settle things. In fact, it causes more problems. Look, today your anger brought you here. If’n you’d settled down, the hog wouldn't have hurt you. I know you’re hard headed and don’t care for busy bodies. Just sip on that beer and think for a spell. I've had plenty of time to sort my problems.”

I think, overall, that you have a piece with real potential, but it does need a lot of work. I think you need to go back to main theme and rebuild it. It strikes me, as it is, to be overwritten, in the way of being over the top and a little crude as a result. I think you could make it more subtle and yet more powerful. I would focus more on the emotions and less on the hard events, as the emotions of his wife and children are barely explored, especially when he is seriously injured by the hogs.

I think the section with his father needs to be more surreal and dreamlike, and I would shorten it, as I think it has a little too much prominence in the story. The event of his injury while trying to drive off the hogs is the real change initiator, the father only works to drive that home, and I think it takes too long and slows the pacing.

I think you need to look long and hard at the whole piece and think, is this section really necessary? Have I already raised this before previously, and is it communicated in the best way?

Anyway, I hope this review helps to point you in right direction. This piece could be great and I do think it is worth putting the time into to achieve that. Do not be disheartened by the low rating. If you just fix the formatting and space it out, it will climb and every writer had to start somewhere. So good job so far and keep it up!







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .