Welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy your time here! I told you in the "Noticing Newbies"  forum that I would give you a review, so here I am!

Some things I Like:

Despite the topic here, the poem seems to have a pretty light, fun tone. It's quirky. There are phrases in here that make me smile. For instance, "weird faces", is a phrase that I don't think I've ever heard in a poem before.

You pose some intriguing questions in this piece as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

First, the repetition here is not effective. "Doing things. Doing things. Doing things." What does that make you feel? Anything? If I'm honest, it makes be bored and perhaps even mildly annoyed. Why not just use a comma'd list for these things? The point of the lines would stand out more, and the repetition wouldn't create a monotone droning quality. Here's one example:

"If the world knew who I am,
If the world knew what I have done to myself,
If the world knew that I did so many shameful things,
That even a beggar would not do,
That not even a considered lowly person would ever do."

Now, I'm going to cut all of the needless repetition out of this (and I mean ALL of it) just to illustrate. Concise is often best, and you could use a dose of conciseness.

"If the world knew who I am,
what I have done to myself,
the many shameful things
that even beggars,
a considered lowly person,
would not do"

Yours: 45 words. Mine: 27. Yet, they say the same thing, really. Personally, I think that cutting out all of that meaningless padding makes your words much stronger. They are YOUR words, not mine. I just cut out the fluff. This poem would be 100% better if you cut out the ineffective repetition.

Think of it like this: Do you really looove the sound of the word "would"? Do you really want to hear that sound over and over and over? Is it a strong, meaningful word? Does it fill you with some kind of feeling? If no... don't repeat it. The same goes for any other phrase or word... "Until I, Until I, Until I, Until I" or "I always, I always, I always" or any of the other endless repetitions in here.

Another major problem for me is the grammar. I know that some people are not grammar people, but it is still important. If I had not told you that I would give your poem a review, I probably would have quit after the first line because that is where the first grammatical error is.

"If the world knew who I am" The word "knew" is past tense. The word "am" is present tense. Those tenses need to match... If you want to keep "knew", past tense, you need to use "who I was", which is past tense.

"Would they put on that weird faces" The word "that" is singular, while "faces" is plural. Again, they need to match. Either "that face" or "those faces". These are just two examples, but he entire poem needs a thorough grammar edit.

And this is a rather long example on another area for improvement:

"The real truth, the ugly truth about me…
Which no one ever would believe that I had once acted like that.

Doing things that would lead me to a miserable life,
Doing things that would only give me nothing but destroying my naive and uncorrupted soul which I had in the past,
Doing things that will make me think of my never accepted sins repeatedly,
Until I gave up on my hopes,
Until I gave up on my future,
Until I felt like I wanted to put an end to my life,
Until I felt like I wanted to do nothing and keep my mouth shut for good."

This is all punctuated sentence-style, but there isn't a single sentence in the bunch! This is a huge list of sentence fragments. I would consider using a sentence here and there, supplemented with fragments.

There is quite a bit of extra phrasing in here that makes the "until" lines difficult to read as well. "I felt like I wanted to put" / "I felt like I wanted to do". These each have 3 verbs-- I felt, wanted, and put. I felt, wanted, and do". Do you think that "I feel like I want to do X" is more powerful than saying "I want to do X"? I don't. The first sounds like it has qualifiers-- like it isn't a firm statement. It is up to you if you want it to sound that way, but I do think that it makes the lines awkward to read to have that much padding before getting to the real point of the line.

Overall, I think that this piece could use some revision. It really needs a grammar edit, but I think that the one thing that would make the most difference is to de-clutter this piece. There is no need to beat around the bush, adding lots of words that detract from what you're really saying. You have some great wording in here, but it's buried. Dig up those important points and let them shine... the poem will be better for it. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another look.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .