Hi dougal4

My name is [user:wordninja}, or Mike to the non-WDC world. It's my pleasure to read your work and offer my feedback and impressions. I hope you will find it helpful!

First Impression/Thoughts: I found your poem on the Read a Newbie list, you were near the top of the list. I read through the poem a couple of times to get a feel for it. I like how it looks, it has good structure.

Creativity/Impact: When I think of creativity, I look for something that grabs me and makes me think of something in a different way. This poem lacked that "aha" moment for me. Not to say that it isn't there for someone else... You list in consecutive stanzas that there is an element of hurt, loneliness, fear, sadness and anger that you caused and would like to fix. How do you say that differently? I don't know the answer. My suggestion is, take an element described here - say, hurt - and talk about what that hurt might look like. Right now it's just a feeling, but take it a step deeper:

I looked, but did not see
The hole in your heart, caused
By the auger of my deceit

Or whatever, it's just a suggestion. My love poems are a little bit odd, so by no means am I an expert!!

Message/Theme: The theme is a person that regrets their actions to the one they love and wants a second change

Technique/Technical Notes:

Title - Fits the poem, good title

Grammar/Wording - I did not see issues with the grammar overall. There is a lack of end sentence punctuation, but that's typical in my own poetry.

Form/Flow - This is pretty much freestyle, but still looks poetic and reads well. Free form that doesn't "feel" like a poem loses me quickly, but this one looks tight.

Emotion/Imagery - There's emotion here, and I explained what I think could be improved with imagery.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
Though I have been critical of this poem, I think it has some good basics. It's a good message, but you missed the opportunity to grasp the audience by the ear and say "HEY! I've got something I want to tell you!". If you find this feedback useful and would like me to review it again let me know!

--Mike



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .