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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3973388
Review #3973388
Viewing a review of:
 The Detached Open in new Window. [13+]
There are some crimes that cannot be forgiven. (1st Place Stormy's Poetry April 2011)
by 🌕 HuntersMoon Author Icon
Review of The Detached  Open in new Window.
Review by Sparky Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
G'day 🌕 HuntersMoon Author Icon

I'm reviewing "The DetachedOpen in new Window. as a Graduate member of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

Overview:
A spooky poem that provokes feelings of guilt, thoughts of warning - of the fate awaiting those who are accosted by these spectres of death.

Title & Blurb:
The title drew me in, and the blurb more so; a compulsion to see what these crimes are, that would have such terrible eternal consequences.

Mood:
Dread is created and slithers along throughout the verses to the end, allowing no possible chink of hope to exist for such as these.

Rhythm:
You couldn't say there was a constant rhythm through the poem, with some lines shorter and of different syllables, but I feel this lends a flitting, reptilian movement to the piece, bringing that goosebump notion of an edge of vision adversary.

Appeal:
There is an entertaining feel to this, even though such a morbid, cheerless future for the "innocent" involved, both ghoul, and corrupted live person.

Rhyme:
Smooth and seamless. Comfortable. Enjambment, combined with rhyme, feathers up the readers' neck hairs with filaments of double meaning.

They're guided by an arcane oath
that never changes or repeats


and vomit forth their madness
in joyful hymns of death


Flow / linking / tone:
Nasty tone, malicious. The writer has made very good use of the prompt words to the end where, unless they were highlighted, and the contest restrictions pointed out, the reader wouldn't know there was a prompt.

Favourite:

They choose only the innocent,
much like they did in life.
They whisper of their discontent
spreading their evil strife


This verse ties the whole piece together, and tethers it all to the blurb and title. This feels like a summary of the idea, the pylon; the rest is supporting structure.

Suggestions:

How can anyone suggest anything with poems like this? There's always room for improvement, but only the author of it knows their intentions, direction for any changes. I find no glaring problems or difficult reading glitches.

I did look up possessive apostrophes for the following term, to confirm that it was correct, and couldn't find any information to state otherwise.

and spread darkness's blight.

http://www.grammar-monster.com/lessons/apostrophes_show_possession.htm

As it says above this review tool dialogue box:
Review Tip #3: Everyone, at every level, should be encouraged to continue writing

Continue writing.

Rating:

4.5 out of 5 rating does not detract from any lack on the writer's part. Continuous improvement is the key.

Thanks for sharing your work, and giving opportunity to review. You efforts reward the reader second only to yourself. As a writer, you are like a pianist, or other performer. Nobody enjoys the piece more than the player / singer.
My comments and suggestions are only intended to help you grow as a writer so please use them as you wish.

Sparky
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