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Review #3963151
Viewing a review of:
 Dragoman Challenge C1  [E]
A fast paced race around South America takes one pair off course.
by Heather LT
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This is a review on behalf of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society.


Apologies for the delay in getting to your reviews, been a very busy week. Hopefully, I’ll get chapters 2 and 3 done over the weekend.

You say just before the chapter that this isn’t really a chapter and I, actually, disagree. Chapters don’t always have to contain action or end on a cliff-hanger. The purpose of a first chapter is as follows: to introduce the main character, to initiate the main plot elements, in this case the bet behind her entering the contest, and to introduce the antagonist, clearly this McKenna guy. Your chapter does all of the above and so, in my opinion, works perfectly as a first chapter. You explain enough to fill the reader in and yet not so much that you blow all the mysteries in one go.

There is one area I think you can expand on and that is this McKenna guy. I think we need to know more about him in this first chapter, not necessarily about the bet and direct past with the main character but I think he needs to show his nastier side. At the moment all we have is the main characters animosity towards him but he, himself, seems to be behaving reasonably affably. I think there needs to be one thing to help the reader share the main character’s hatred of him. Perhaps just one taunt or snide comment on her sister. Something that shows his teeth.

Other than McKenna, I think the character development is fine. The two main characters come across strongly and have unique personalities and clearly different reasons for entering the contest.

I think, the main area where this piece falls down is in the technical aspect. There are a lot of grammar mistakes and areas where the sentences feel a little clumsy. I have listed a few instances below:

By the time she had got into the airport her t-shirt was already stuck to her back.

I would replace “got” with “reached”. The used of got here just feels like very rough English.

She drastically underestimated her ability to deal with the change in climate; she hadn’t expected Colombia to be so stifling hot in the summer.

There is some tense confusion in the sentence above. “She” will have to be “she’d” also I would remove the “she” before “hadn’t” and replace it with “and” which will make the sentence less awkward.

She'd drastically underestimated her ability to deal with the change in climate and hadn’t expected Colombia to be so stifling hot in the summer.

The excitement of the weather change had promptly dissolved.

I would swap “the” for “Her” as otherwise you have a more general comment not linked to an individual and you are clearly referencing her own thoughts and feelings rather than those of everyone in the room.

When he was out of sight, she glanced around the small meeting room made up of participants from the race.

As your sentence stands it means that the structure of the meeting room was made up of the race participants, quite a grizzly meaning which I don’t think you mean. I think you mean “full of”.

more worst was braving one thump too many

“More worse” is poor grammar. It should be “Even worse”.

Overall, I don’t think this is a bad chapter. The content is there, it just needs a good edit.

Good job so far and keep it up.


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