Initial hook and title: Hey Tanya, I said I'd come and review this item for you so here I am It was a combination of the title and description that really drew me into this piece. I can't wait to find out about this secret place and how to find it!

Storyline: This story tells about a man who falls from a mountain and finds himself plummeting to the earth. But as he loses touch with reality his mind begins to play tricks. When he next awakens he finds he's in some place that he doesn't quite understand. You've gone with the fantasy genre with this piece and it makes it quite unique. I remember the prompt for this contest and I would have said that perhaps it might have benefitted from surrounding the prompt more and been more about the mountain.

Pacing and flow: This piece flows quite well and moves at a good pace.

POV and tense: This is written from the point of view of the main character and as such, we see things how he does.

Characters: The main character is the narrator. One thing I would say iis that it would be helpful to know his name. Even if you put it right at the start, for example, 'Chris was falling.' It just really helps the reader to identify with him. We get a sense that he's a fit guy and he likes to work out but we don't know a lot else about him.

Setting: This takes place on the mountain but in a different world completely as he falls. You set the scene well and use some great description.

Atmosphere and tone: I think I would have liked to see more of his emotional and physical reactions to certain things within this story to really help the reader identify with him and his situation.


What I liked:

This is a great descriptive line:

'like a raincloud marring the edge of a clear blue horizon.'

Another really vivid line here:

'He vomited water until he collapsed, coughing and sucking scorching air into his lungs the way a starving dog inhales bread.'

General suggestions / A few parting comments...

Line by line suggestions: ▼








My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .