Hello Paul D . This is a review in relation to your entry in

Sensual Fantasy  (18+) Fantasy/Erotica Short Story Contest for those who love to love mystical creatures. #1511345 by Christine

Thank you so much for entering!

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I love the idea of the story and in places was emotionally drawn in deeply. Though I think you could have given the emotions more space to develop.





Beginning

You start the story with a beautiful and vivid imagery, which I like very much. You set the image for me to follow your story and truly feel it.






Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

You are very good with the visual effects and leave your reader always knowing where they are and what is happening. I think you could make more conscious use of shapes, as well as scents and sound.



Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

There is very little internal expression of thoughts and emotions. Adding that would give the story more depth.


Emotional Draw:

The idea behind it has such a huge potential, the draw is almost more in the intellectual fascination. I would like you to let me feel what is happen more, rather than just see it.



Dialogue/Monologue

Clear and understandable. It might be possible to give the characters more identity by distinguishing who speaks with some change in speech patterns.


Characters

They have so much potential but that potential is not coming out well enough. I would love to have more depth.


Sensuality

You move very fast and some of the sensuality is lost in that. Though you work well with the romance aspect.






Structure/Format

Good Structure

Language


Style:

A straightforward and clear style. You have a slight tendency for too many -ly words and repetition.





Tension

The tension is very high in the end but is slow in developing.

Conflict:

The external conflict is clear and engaging but there is so much space for an internal conflict to develop.






End

The end has a wistful, gentle quality which draws the reader in and holds our attention.






General Comments:


I love the story, the characters - but more for what you have left out than what you have written. There is so much more space for development (you had the words to do so) and it is almost sad that you did not give them that space to come out and play.