I selected your story to review through the “Read a Newbie Forum” of WdC.
It is my pleasure to welcome you to Writing.com where I believe your work will be received with great appreciation.
 
It was a real pleasure reading your work and I am glad to give you some impressions I have of your piece as well as a short review.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions about a story in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate for your work and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
The story of Jack Halladay is the kind of story I like to read. It is a varied mix of scenes of the hard life that occur near deprivation and despair and the good life where opportunities to experience abundance and redemption abound. Jack is resigned to the hopelessness of poverty and comes to grips with what it will mean for the future. Jack is yanked physically and emotionally from this reality into one where he suddenly holds the keys to dramatically changing the course of his life.
 
Interest and Pace
 
Jack’s story often appears on the back pages of newspapers where bleak reports of those who become victims of lack and poverty are scrawled with a dehumanizing touch. You obviously know Jack’s story well and are able to bring to life the real person who is in the struggle for survival. Your style of writing helps draw me into Jack’s life and I quickly care about what is to become of Jack and his sister Jessie.
 
The details within your story are well done, while keeping the reader (me) moving forward into the tragedies and triumphs of Jack’s life.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
The plot of your story is clear and uncomplicated and real. It has the quality of being one story of Jack’s life and then suddenly it is another, different story of Jack’s life. There is Detroit. And then there is Boston. The key thread between the two worlds that is a good vehicle for linking the two stories together is Jack’s complacent attitude about playing basketball. The transition from this point in Jack’s life into the champion he is destined to be is written with great precision and clarity. His identity changes with the faith and encouragement of a coach and the picture of a transformed Jack is a joy to read. ”Jack could not believe it! He had made the Varsity as a Sophomore but he was too determined to stop there. The team, led by Jack, kept winning and they had a perfect record at the end of the season…”
 
Edits/Revisions
 
There were a few typographical errors in your story that will be easy to spot when you do a rewrite.
 
One suggestion I would make, and this is my preference coming from how I perceive realism in stories so it is just a suggestion coming my perspective, when Jack becomes a part of his new family you may want to have him reflect on his old life in Detroit. I can’t imagine him being fully disconnected emotionally from such a hard life. In reviewing scenes from his life in Detroit there are images that can be drawn from his father, sister and mother that could add more drama and realism to the process of his transition into a champion.
 
Summary
 
Jack’s story has the universal appeal of being about a boy whose character is molded by the poverty and violence in his community and in his family only to have a door to a new life flung open to him. As in most real life transformation stories that bring about true redemption, Jack is influenced by a strong coach who sets him on a course to becoming a champion.
 
I appreciated the quality of your writing and the victorious outcome for Jack and his sister.
 
Well done!
 
~Kenword~
 
 
 
   This review is given in honor of:

FORUM

AFaith's Unofficial Account BDay Event  (E) CLOSED - My UAB R/CE Starts November 1st! Come help me celebrate by showing thanks! #1955910 by A*Monaing*Faith

 

    Come cast a vote for this years Mr./Miss Thankfulness!
 

101@101513

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .