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 Review #3920459 |
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| (4.0)| This review is in response to your request which I have been delighted to fulfill. Thank you for the opportunity to immerse myself in your prose and give my impressions, feelings and a review of “Why Can’t The Mother Exit?” My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions about a story in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate for your work and disregard the rest. Overall Impression The story of Peter, his short life and the circumstances around his death, is a richly textured narrative that spans the antics of a clever boy who sometimes provokes the outrageous actions of those around him. His affinity for being a part of nature as a hunter and exploring draws me too him, as I understand these exploits from my own life: ”Whenever he has the grace of his paren’t long absence from home, when they go shopping, partying or visiting friends and relatives, he will pick up his trap, and round up his fellow little hunters, children aged between eleven and fifteen, for a forest expedition, or go single if they are unavailable.” His dislike for school, but devotion to nature, hunting, gardening and farming, is a great contrast that will bring him into great conflict who wish for him a completely different life. Interest and Pace The center of interest in the story for me is the tragic theme of “Wills That Must Collide.” The conflict is well set up as you have decisively pictured Peter’s obvious gifting. And unlike so many of those who possess certain innate talents and gifts, Peter is passionately obsessed in the very areas he is gifted to work and play and create. So much so that anyone looking at his life could easily discern who he is and what he is destined to be. I love the irony of the conflict in that even as his parents are boasting of their son’s great talents and accomplishments, his mother is plotting a different course for him that means he must do his school’s homework assignments. You artistically cover a lot of detail about Peter’s life and his interaction with chums, family and enemies. The flow of your story is never deterred during some intricate descriptions: ”…it will descend upon Peter at least expected moments, giving voice to this implacable earnestness of her eyes which testify to a longing for some greatness she fears will not materialize, because the poor boy about whom she harbours it seems absolutely resolved to frustrate it.” This beautifully exemplifies your ability to handle complex sentence structures while maintaining clarity and interest. Structure and Clarity Peter’s fate, while integrated into well defined plot and a certainty from the beginning of the story, is none the less a growing shock as awareness of the abuse he has suffered from his mother and his teacher, takes the reader past the inevitable into the realm of “there is no other way.” The paragraphs are longer than what I personally prefer, but at the same time this is not a distraction from my enjoying the narrative and intimate descriptions of Peter’s interaction with his family and peers. In fact on my third read of your story I began to see the wisdom of keeping the sentences intricate and tied together for long moments of meditation. All of the images were clear and seemed to be created to illicit more emotion than what may have appeared on the surface. Edits/Revisions There were a few minor edits to make: 1) This phrase needs a verb to make it a complete sentence: “His trap, a complicated and complex steel contraption, odd and shapeless, but infallible.”I suggest replacing the word “but” with “that is” and remove the coma after shapeless. My other choice would be to put the word “is” in place of the first comma so that the sentence begins with the verb. “His trap is a…” 2) The next sentence needs the pronoun “he”, in order to make the thought complete. “Usually [he] returns with fat and robust rabbits,… ” There were a few other areas that can use some correcting, but I’m sure a careful re-edit and re-write will capture those. I have no suggested revisions for the story and appreciate what you have created. Summary Peter is a miracle and in every way brilliant. He is not born for academics, but born for the natural of earth and the elements. He is a gifted nurturer of plants and by the age of ten able to understand the fine principles in farming and hunting. He is exemplary in his robust enjoyment of work and discipline. But, despite all this wonderful gifts and talents, he has one critical flaw. He cannot tolerate school or those who excel at academics. Peter, though only ten years old is a tragic figure. His fate is inevitable as it becomes apparent his mother will never abide his being what he is obviously gifted and called to be. As I am immersed my soul into Peter’s life I realized that I was the same as him, though on the opposite side of the issue. I was hitched to the plow at the age of eight even though I hungered for academics. I still identify easily with Peter's story though state law was more supportive of my cause than his. I enjoyed the quality of writing and the wonderful images. Definitely, write on! Thanks, ~Kenword~  This review is given in honor of:
  Come cast a vote for this years Mr./Miss Thankfulness! 101@101513  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 11/09/2013 @ 9:27pm EST