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Review #3843978
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Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: | (3.5)
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A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi there, this review was requested for you by ~ Aqua ~ Author Icon at "The Power of Wishes Event" Open in new Window.. Please note that these are just my opinions and others will have different opinions.

I think the words and theme of this poem are good, but it falls down a little on the rhythm. My personal opinion is that the second line in each stanza is slightly too long and that's what's throwing the rhythm off. This is of course just my opinion, and you might disagree, but I'll give you my suggested changes below.

*Cut*Always there yet never to be seen.*Cut*
This would be better without the words 'to be', so it becomes 'Always there yet never seen.'

*Cut*Their Hell Hounds always so near.*Cut*
This line would work better without the word 'so', becoming 'Their Hell Hounds always near'.

*Cut*Or are the victims always helpless?*Cut*
The rhythm of this line would work better without the word 'always', but I'm not sure that it would then retain the same meaning. You might need to play with this one some more.

*Cut*While so much darkness hides inside.*Cut*
This line again would work better without the words 'so much'... 'While darkness hides inside.'

*Cut*Ghosts wrecking havoc for the living,
Never ever staying where they belong.*Cut*
Wrecking should be 'wreaking' which is a different word altogether but the one I think you meant to use here.
The second line would be stronger without the word 'ever'.

*Cut*For we do have protectors to fight them.*Cut*
With this line I'd remove the word 'do' to keep the rhythm strong. 'For we have prosecutors to fight them.'

*Cut*There has to be a hero to save the day.*Cut*
A simple removal of a word won't work here, but it's easy enough to rearrange so it works with the rhythm. I'd go with 'A hero has to save the day.'

*Cut*But the evil can also be in the good guys.*Cut*
That line isn't particularly strong in any sense, and I know from reading your other work that you can do better than that. For simply rhythm, you could write it as 'But evil can exist in the good guys' but I think you could do better. Something about the potential of evil in everyone or evil lurking beneath the surface?

*Cut*When they say don't fear the thing in the closet,
Always be scared because you never really know.*Cut*
These lines are some of the weakest in the poem, and that's not a good note to leave your reader on. I much preferred the beautiful language you used in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Make me fear the thing in the closet. Make me wonder what lurks in the dark corners. Leave me with a sense of foreboding or tension.

The poem is not nearly as strong as "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. but it could still be good with a little work. I appreciate that you have deliberately made the second lines of each stanza longer, but that rhythm doesn't work for me. If it works for you, then leave it and instead just focus on strengthening those lines I pointed out near the end and fixing that typo.

Thank you for sharing your work, I enjoyed reading it.
Elle


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 04/08/2013 @ 9:56am EDT
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