Hi there again Fi ,

I've stumbled upon another service tribute poem I see. I'm enjoying the passion you've displayed in your writing endeavours so far. Thank you for allowing me to read and review your work.

Again, a stirring account of an honourable man, tragically having lost his life in the line of duty. I liked that you included pictures relating to Constable Snee's story, which allows the curious reader a great feel for the reality of the events, and enhances the intimacy of the funeral that took place for him by his family and the people who knew him. This time your focus on just the one individual, rather than a collective group.

I agree with your decision to caution away from using diction that is too elaborate or ornamental. The simply rhyming couplets help to offer a sense of structure and further simplicity, working to draw attention to the meaning and story behind your words, rather than the words themselves. Doing so gives this piece a sense of purity, almost a sense of freedom, that helps the reader explore the scene in their mind's eye.

The line lengths I thought could be evened out a touch. At times the variation causes the poem to read with a choppier quality, preventing the flow from running smoothly. It also causes the rhymes to sometimes arrive too abruptly, or that's how it seems at time. Generally, the rhymes themselves were strong, and helped to drive the pacing along. Only the latter couplet of the second stanza were perhaps a little loose, and I did feel it impacted a degree of the fluidity, however I don't think the issue is too large. If you might find a way to reconstruct the lines with a better match, it may be worth considering, otherwise, my most important suggestions regarding the forum and structure really revolve around evening up the length of lines just a little more.

I notice that the tone of this poem reads somewhat distantly. I wonder if this is because much of what is written, tells rather than shows events. I think it would be worth giving this piece more length, if it gave you the chance to explore this topic in a more engaging, poetic fashion. As it stands, lines such as: "The sun was shining on that fatal morning/Just a routine search - there was no warning.", fall short of providing a rich, emotional, or even visual impact. I miss the experience I had with your previous gem.

I like the way you bring the community and its reactions onto the page. Though, again, I would love to see your poetess skills hone in more on the personal level of these emotions, I like that we're viewing things from a slightly alternative perspective. This way you bring diversity to your palette, and again you make use of the power of rhetorical questions at least once, encouraging the reader to involve himself as well.

Overall, this is a fine template of a truly heart-moving story. I can see the potential, if expanded further, of what you could achieve with it as I have had the pleasure of reading previous examples of your talent. The way it stands, this poem doesn't inject quite the same raw effect on the reader, and I think this may mostly be because you make less use of your descriptive skills here. This poem craves more illustrative detail! Please do let me know if ever you decide to revisit this piece. I would love to read it again.

Take care,


Dani




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .