Hello again Elle - on hiatus ,

Ah, I see I've stumbled upon another septet! How lovely.

This is a good piece. I had issues over pronouncing Waitakere, as the way I thought it was meant to be spoken would mean the line would read one syllable too short, so I think I'm probably not quite right there. It would be cool if you actually left a little footnote with guidance on how to pronounce this word, and also Huia correctly. I'm assuming it's hoo-ee-ya... but then I could be wrong about that too!

I think your interpretation of the form here might be slightly weaker than the last. The syllabic count, other than the third line which is probably just down to my poor non-New Zealand pronunciation etiquette, again appears solid. However, the shape itself is perhaps a little less elegant in symmetry this time around. Interestingly, the line that I think does the most damage to the overall shape impression, I feel might also read better if it were more economically worded.

The second line reads: 'Right at the edge of:. Though the meter is good, you could project the very same with, "At the edge of...". With a poetry form such as this, careful word usage is even more tantamount to drawing together a tight piece. 'Right' appeared somewhat superfluous to the meaning of the line. Perhaps, 'perched', instead, or something to that effect?... Though overall I think you could afford to be more pithy altogether with this line.

There's just a little less depth in this septet, than the last. I would have liked to know more about Huia itself, as opposed to its location which was explored and expanded upon a fair amount. Like we did with the kereru, I would have loved to have gotten a better sense of this hamlet's personality and character... and even the poet's feelings about it. This one feels perhaps an ounce distant, and so reads with less engagement.

You have a couple of nice descriptors: "Nestled in the arms", and "A quite hamlet". Both these phrases work to offer information, as well as to paint a tactile, breathing illustration of the subject. I recommend using just a few more adjectives, or descriptive verbs to really bring this piece to life, if you ever find the time to revisit it.

I also faced a couple of issues with your use of punctuation - perhaps periods are used just a little too often here. It seems this form would benefit from more flow, with lines continuing smoothly to the next. Even grammatically speaking, I feel some of the full stops might be misplaced, where commas would do a better job!

Overall, a pleasant poem. I had a few niggles with mechanics, and thought the form could do with some tightening, but I see this as having a lot of potential, and would love to read it in a more fleshed out version. Thank so much for allowing me to stop by once again.

All the best,


Wyrd




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .