Hi again Fi . I am back with the review of this story of yours for "The Kiwi Review Challenge! - closed" . Before I begin, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.


The plot shows the hunting incidence which brings the two "unconfessed" lovers together. You have crafted the story well, as you take the reader from insecurity of the teen love to the security of being loved. There were few sections when you jumped on in the story,
1) Sophia asked Stan, “I remember you said certain things to me while climbing the hill.” but I did not find the mention of any such thing in the story. The only things that she heard was her name spoken in her ear. Moreover, even she had heard them, shouldn't she be too groggy to remember it clearly?

2) Also the last words which were said before accident were “Do you ever wonder – ”. I don't know but a insecure girl can never be confident about deciphering the meanings of those words. I am not saying it is not implied. Everything you have said in the plot is implied but you need to build upon the tension to reveal them. Either you can increase the tension before the accident or you can amp up the insecure feeling after the accident. Implied meanings are good but words on the paper leave deeper impact on the readers. This is what I feel, and what I am struggling with too.

Apart from this the plot is well-developed.


Well-developed with respect to the length of the story. The only character who was not well-developed was Stan. See in the story, you mentioned Sophia was loath to part with Stan for a day which implies that she was spending days in his company. I did not get the "hows" and "why" of it. Sorry, for being so technical but I read the story thrice to find that connection.

Other than that, Sophia, her sister, Robbie and the well-loved family feeling is depicted well in the story.


I do not know if the story was written under the word count or not, but if it would have been free from limitations of word count, I would have loved to see more of the description. The descriptions you have included are good, but first person POV provides a glimpse in the mind of the protagonist. That glimpse is missing especially in the beginning where it feels more like a diary entry.

But if you have written this under the word count limit, then you have a little room only. It is currently some 3400 words. For the word limit of 3500, you do not have much room to stretch the details, unless you cut something (which you can only do in the article).


I am not an expert in this area but I will try to point out the errors my meager knowledge makes me see. I might be wrong too, and in that case I would love if you can tell me the mistake as it would help me learn too. Most of the story was well-edited. I just have few minor suggestions~

$15 donation, and contributions towards maintenance~ The current sentence says 15 dollars were meant as a donation and separate contribution was required for the maintenance which I somehow feel is not what you want to say. In case you meant that fifteen dollar was the donation and contribution towards maintenance, then the comma needs to removed from the sentence.

and many times returned triumphant from the kill. ~ "had returned" would be a better tense here to go with the first part of the sentence.

and the most confident ~ the "more" confident would be a better choice since it is a comparison between the two sisters.


My favorites would be the accident scene. No, I do not love gory details but the way you described Sophia's feelings made it all credible to me. The disjointed images you showed were perfect for the accident.
What I did not like in the story was "missing romance". The story can be more stronger with a bit of spice of romance.


I should close this review now as it has grown too long. It was not my intention to write a very long review, but this story has potential and I could not resist from commenting. Please know that these views do not mean that I did not enjoy the story, but means that the story can become something more as per me. I am giving the story four stars for the beauty that has been shown in the words. But, I believe with a little more work, this can be improved.

Thank you sharing this.

Keep Writing!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .