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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3831890
Review #3831890
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by A Guest Visitor
Review by Lonewolf Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)



*Pencil* [Overall Impression]
A interesting story about a man bringing home the heads of mannequins.

*Tools* [Spelling Errors/Grammar]
I found a few areas that needs to be looked at:

Its eyes were open and mouth was open, frozen in a scream.

It could be re-written like this:

Its eyes and mouth were mouth were open, frozen in a scream.

I found this line also needed an addition to it:

Drew walked over to a wall, covered in head.

Could be re-written like this:

Drew walked over to his a wall, covered in heads.



*Idea* [Suggestions]
My suggestion would be to go over the story again and see if you can still make your word count given the corrected words.

*ThumbsUp*[Favorite line]
He couldn’t wait until he brought a new friend home. Drew didn’t realize all the heads looked like him.

I chose this line because it totally took me by surprise.

*Pencil* [Ending Thoughts]

Your character Drew comes off as mysterious until the very end which I must applaud you on because I wasn't expecting that twist. Although, I found a few places that needed some work I still found your piece to be interesting. I have written for a few contests like this in the past, and found when in a pinch you can't find all the mistakes or words that could be in place of others. I think you have a solid winner here, and hope that you do win, or have won.

Write On!






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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3831890