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Review #3794964
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Review by KerrieAnnS Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: | (3.5)
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Please note - any suggestions are my personal opinion.
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*MugBr* Title: The Hotel St. George

*MugG* Author: dwarf2012

*MugLP* Reviewed by: KerrieAnnS Author IconMail Icon

*MugLV* First Impression:
I love the relationship you paint between the two sisters, such a realistic but lovely bond. There are elements of jealousy and irritation with siblings, but ultimately there is fun and friendship as well as a desire to look after one another.

*MugV* What I liked most:
The way you developed the foreign environment through animals, music and the accents of the locals. It was a show not tell situation which is what should always be aimed for in writing. Great descriptions of the scenery as well.

*MugR* Suggestions:
I don't think you need most of the commas you use. It seems you are quite attached to them though :)

Where they have been made bold is where I wouldn't use them:
got off the bed, to look out
world of dirty, slushy snow, and cold New England winds.
swimmers, from taking
Hand in hand, we
Unfortunately, there weren’t
handles, and pushed on the heavy
f we could rent a scooter, too.
a huge black beak, that looked like it could cut through a log, or even my arm.

I thought this sentence could be reworded:
The air was soft, somehow, a gentle breeze bringing a faint sea scent and a sweet smell like perfume the lady at the store sprayed on me once, entered the room
The air was somehow soft; a gentle breeze brought a faint sea scent into the room, a sweet smell just like the perfume the lady at the store had sprayed on me once.

I straight away thought that something bad had happened on a previous holiday when I read this, so I thought it could be reworded to be clearer:
My parents had bad memories.
Neither of her parents had a good memory; they


*MugO* Conclusion:
A lovely family holiday story, creative and fun. Thank you for writing :D

*Pencil* *Pen**Quill* WRITE ON *Quill**Pen**Pencil*


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