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Review #3792425
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Review by KerrieAnnS Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: | (3.5)
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*MugBr* Title: My Little World

*MugG* Author: Stuck in the mire ~BlueAsIce Author IconMail Icon

*MugLP* Reviewed by: KerrieAnnS Author IconMail Icon

*MugLV* First Impression: Beautiful love struck poem. I enjoyed the great imagery that you utilised; sound quaking your spine, all consuming fires, blazing shooting stars.

*MugV* What I liked most: I love the use of the word little when describing your world. Being little doesn't make it seem small and insignificant, it makes it precious and fragile. The world is getting smaller as we develop technology such as planes and social networking - but more and more people are finding themselves staring at what they cannot have because of it. Small lonely world.

*MugR* Suggestions: I was enjoying the subtle use of near rhymes throughout the poem. It didn't feel forced to match up with each other. But when the near rhymes are abandoned half way through it feels strange. Such a short piece rapidly changing tact half way through can leave a reader reeling. I get the impression that the near rhymes were substituted by repetition. Mostly of the words world and burning.

Punctuation and capitalisation of letters is something that is a soft spot of mine. In this poem you have capitalised all first letters of each line and used no punctuation. Punctuation can lend itself to the flow and rhythm of your poem. Especially in the last stanza where at the moment all four lines merge into one sentence; try breaking it up with commas and full stops, slow it down and deliver more of a punch.

In your fourth stanza the girlfriend walked him by (past tense) whereas you are dreaming and sighing (present tense). I would suggest using walks instead of walked here.

Finally there are two conflicting parts of this poem for me. You say that your world together will never exist and then that it doesn't exist today. I've already given up hope on this relationship with your earlier comment but now there seems as if there is a chance. This could of been intentional so as to take away all hope from the reader only to restore it at the last second. In which case, nice one. Just thought I'd point it out because it did jar me a little.

*MugO* Conclusion: Rising star indeed! Great poem, keep writing!!!

*Pencil* *Pen**Quill* WRITE ON *Quill**Pen**Pencil*


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