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Review #3773758
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 Day 13- Contest Round  []
This is my story back story of my antagonist, hope it is okay.
by Princessrishika
Review by A Non-Existent User
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: | (2.5)
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None of this review is personal. It is just my opinion, nothing more.



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The story begins plain enough: it is a stormy night when Mr. Ross gets home from work. He washes up, eats dinner and then goes on working from home, where he soon hears a girl’s scream. Outside there is a cemetery, where apparently the noise is coming from. He then goes to see his wife, who went to bed after cleaning up the dinner dishes. Ross finds his wife dead, where she then promptly appears as a spirit before him. The next door neighbor searches for Ross (I’m not sure how the neighbor got into the story) but cannot find him. Ross was in the cemetery trying to hear his wife. (I’m not sure why he would expect to hear her there.) Then the story becomes more cloudy. I’m not sure if the wife is a dream, or real, but he battles her (figuratively?) and chases off her ghost.

Hat this story really lacks, besides a solid edit, and attention to detail is a lot of description. You do a lot of telling but little showing. You introduce characters and situations without any introduction and shift scenes with no warning. It all becomes very superficial, and awkward. The story itself could be a good one. I do like the framework, if done correctly. A first step to improving your story would be to re-read it slowly and try to imagine yourself as a reader. This will help you pick out flaws you might ignore otherwise. The next step is to edit it, and I can help you there.

Possible Edits:

Paragraph One:

It was a stormy night as the wind was blowing very hard, trees were moving right and left,

I think you could get by with just “It was a stormy night.” If you want more detail, I’d try to integrate it into the story as you go along.

Paragraph One:

he is

You started the story in past tense, you’ll want to keep it there , at least in this instance.

Paragraph One:

comes homes stress and all angry.

{/c:orange} and always came home, stressed and angry.

Paragraph Two:

he gets up and goes to see who it was?

You keep moving from past to present tense, try to keep it to one.

Paragraph Three:

He could not bare it

“bear”

Paragraph Three:

He was In the Cemetery Trying to Hear his wife shout his name, He could not bare it, He thought he was going mad, and he was just dreaming.

“Trying,” “Hearing,” and, the second, “He” do not need to be capitalized.
“bear” not, “bare”

And I’d change that second comma to a period.

Paragraph Four:

But to see he could hear his wife as she was an evil.

An evil what?

Final Words:

I’d watch out using adverbs: generally words that end in “ly.” They tend to have little meaning and serve as useless intensifiers and qualifiers. You used “really” a couple times, and probably other examples in this story.
I do think it has potential. I just think you need to edit it, re-read it, polish it, and I’m sure you’d pick out many of the same issues I did. I’d definitely re-read it, and you see what I mean. It’ll be a fine story with some editing.


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