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Review #3760877
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*



Hi, kim Author IconMail Icon I found out your name on the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and that it's your anniversary in September

so I looked up one of your stories *Reading* and I offer the following comments: *Reading*

*UmbrellaV* Overall Impression:
This is a charming tale about a girl's first pony. Her mother and father have taken her out to look at some ponies for the child to make her choice. It is 'love at first sight' for the girl; a silver maned Shetland catches her eye and captures her heart. What follows is the ritual of bonding between the two. A sugar cube and a gentle ride.Though mom is concerned at the cost, dad has a solution. The girl, for her part, promises faithfully that she wll undertake the daily chores that are part and parcel of owning a horse. It is a measure of how the story is told, that I feel the girl will keep her promise.

*UmbrellaV* Writing Style:
The narrative is written from the 3rd POV of the girl for the most part. On the whole, the story flows quite nicely and at a gentle pace. The only opposition comes from the character of the mother. It is father and daughter, though, who are the two main characters of the piece. The temperament of the horse can be judged from how they interact, and the horse is the only 'character' that is named, Silver. I would have liked to see the other characters named to fix them better in the mind of the reader, if not all then at least the young girl. Though there is not a great deal of dialogue, it is well written and believable.

*UmbrellaV* Writing Craft:

*Bulletv*The first paragraph of the story, though well written and evocative, seems to me to be describing the actions of a very small girl, a toddler almost. This differs in tone from the rest of the piece, which imparts a girl confident enough to have her say in the matter of looking after the horse and old enough to undertake such tasks. To my mind, the first paragraph does not quite fit the rest of the story.

*Bulletv*She stands with her back against the cedar fence post watching the pony graze, he is unaware of the miracle that has just taken place.
Since the two sections of this sentence are independent thoughts, or clauses, a comma between them is insufficient. A semi-colon is needed, or else it should be split into separate sentences.

*UmbrellaV* I Liked:
*Bulletv*The part where the girl sits astride her pony for the first time. It is touching.
*Bulletv*The part where the father asks if she wants to look at any more ponies. She does not reply but gives her father a look that says all. There are no other ponies in the world. Only this one, her pony.

My opinions may not coincide with yours and that is fine, please feel free to ignore any suggestions you don't want. We are all of us on a learning curve and only you can decide what is best for your story.

Regards
sandybays

*RainbowL* Write On!! *RainbowR*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..

   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/28/2012 @ 2:43pm EDT
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