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Review #3760264
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Hi, Kitty Can Write Author IconMail Icon I found out your name on the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and that it's your birthday in September

so I looked up one of your stories *Reading* and I offer the following comments: *Reading*

*UmbrellaV* Overall Impression:
This story is about a woman who has finally had enough of picking up after her niece, Tammie.
Tammie has descended in to a hell of her own making and expects her Aunt Kelly to bail her out, buy her cigarettes and generally be the person who is Tammie's safety net. Her own father will not help her, he washed his hands of her a long time ago. Aunt Kelly has been her 'substitute parent' for too long, even to the detriment of Kelly's own children.
When Kelly receives a telephone call in the middle of the night, where her niece is once more asking to be bailed out, she realises that this is the last straw.
I really enjoyed reading this story; it held my attention from beginning to end.

*UmbrellaV* Writing Style:
There is some well written narrative, but this piece mainly relies on the dialogue between the two main characters, Kelly and Tammie. The personalities of these two are finely drawn through their conversation and Kelly's final speech. The dialogue is sparky and realistic. Their conversation starts at a steady pace and then quickens until the crux of the matter is arrived at. Kelly is an ungrateful, selfish person that Kelly will no longer support. The section where Kelly delivers her speech, going over past events is the only part that did not quite work for me. It is quite long, and I would have liked to see some interjections from Tammie, some 'buts', to break it up a little, so that it sounds less like a prepared speech. That said, the content of the conversation was, to my mind, very well put together.

*UmbrellaV* Writing Craft:
*Bulletv*A familiar voice says “Tammie.”
A comma is needed here after 'says', since it is a speaker tag.

*Bulletv*from jail again… Wasted too much time on her.
I have received a lot if help myself on the use of ellipses. . .the three dots used, with or without spaces, to denote a pause or something omitted. When it is used at the end of a sentence, as in the example above, a further dot is needed to denote a full stop (US period). . .. If it is not meant to be the end of a sentence then there is no need for the capital letter on 'wasted'.

*Bulletv*You showed up on Christmas?
This may be to do with the difference between Br English and US English phrasing, but I would have written '. . .showed up at Christmas.'

*UmbrellaV* I Liked:
*Bulletv*The part where Kelly at first refuses and then accept the collect call from her niece.
*Bulletv*The part where Kelly describes Tammie's physical appearance when her niece visits over Christmas. The details of what a meth junkie looks like, and how drugs have destroyed the young girl, are harrowing to read.

My opinions may not coincide with yours and that is fine, please feel free to ignore any suggestions you don't want. We are all of us on a learning curve and only you can decide what is best for your story.

Regards
sandybays

*RainbowL* Write On!! *RainbowR*


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/13/2012 @ 11:50am EDT
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