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 Review #3759084 |
 |  | The Victims  [13+] The eternal triangle, but are they all victims.  |
| (3.5)| Hi, Bonnie  I found out your name on the "Invalid Item" and that it's your anniversary in September so I looked up one of your stories  and I offer the following comments:  Overall Impression: This is an interesting story about the tragic fallout of a wife's affair when her husband finds out. The husband is suspicious his young wife has taken a lover. The report of a private investigator confirms those suspicions and the husband is distraught. He goes to the home of a lover and an altercation ensues. The lover is accidentally killed but the husband does not go to the police, he just goes home, taking with him a bracelet belonging to his wife. When police investigate, it is the bracelet which signals to the wife what her husband has done. This short story is densely plotted and no loose ends are left at the end. I enjoyed reading this piece, it held my attention throughout. Writing Style: The story is fast paced and well thought out. The main character is the husband, Will Anders, who is not physically described, but whose personality is evident from the third person POV narrative. Anders' wife, Isobel, is the fulcrum of the story; she is a lot younger and her personality is mostly apparent towards the end of the tale. Grieg Stanton, Isobel's lover, is the antagonist of the piece; he comes across as a rather cocksure and arrogant person. Other characters are the daughter of the couple, Cassie, who is mentioned in passing, and the two detectives who visit the Anders' home. The dialogue Is believable And the story flows quite well. Writing Craft:  For me, one of the main issues with this story is the way the paragraphs are constructed. When double spacing is used then this should be consistent throughout. Dialogue spoken by a character should mostly be in the same paragraph as that characters actions. Only when the dialogue switches to being spoken to another character is a new paragraph required. You might like to go over your story in this respect.A slow smile spread across Stanton's face. He showed no remorse no embarrassment, nothing. Will felt anger boil up inside him, he fought to remain calm. "Ahh, caught are we? You should know it's over... She told me yesterday. Did she confess?" "No, she didn't. I came to tell you to stay away from my wife." Will turned to leave. He realized that Stanton didn't care for Isabel. "Wait... I have something of hers" Will followed Stanton into a bedroom at the end of the hall and watched him pick up something from the nightstand. Handing it to Will, he said. "She left in a hurry yesterday, after she got a call something about the kid falling at school." Here is my take on the example paragraphs above. I have added an extra speaker tag, at the point of Grieg's first words, for the sake of clarity: A slow smile spread across Stanton's face. He showed no remorse, no embarrassment, nothing. Will felt anger boil up inside him; he fought to remain calm. "Ahh, caught are we?" said Stanton. "You should know it's over... She told me yesterday. Did she confess?" "No, she didn't. I came to tell you to stay away from my wife." Will turned to leave. He realized that Stanton didn't care for Isabel. "Wait... I have something of hers." Will followed Stanton into a bedroom at the end of the hall and watched him pick up something from the nightstand. Handing it to Will, he said, "She left in a hurry yesterday, after she got a call. Something about the kid falling at school." . . .fluttered out and even before they landed on the desk, Will tasted the bile rising to his throat. A comma is needed after 'and' since the following section of the sentence, up to the comma after 'desk', is subordinate to the main part of the sentence. There are several instances in your story where commas are misplaced. For instance where names are mentioned in the narrative there should be a comma before and after them. Again, your story could greatly benefit if these instances were examined. Will tried to stand up to answer her, but his legs and mouth wouldn’t work, he just wanted to tell her he was desperately sorry, then the pain exploded in his head. Isabel watched him as she waited for an answer. She saw him fall back into the chair. As she reached him, she knew he was dead. This is an interesting end to your story. As a reader, though, I would like to understand a little more of what has happened here. Has Isobel killed him or is it a stroke? I Liked: The starting paragraphs where Will lets the damning photographs of his wife's affair fall onto the desk and then his physical reaction to them.The part where Will becomes enraged at Grieg's supercilious attitude and strikes out. I thought that scene was very well described.My opinions may not coincide with yours and that is fine, please feel free to ignore any suggestions you don't want. We are all of us on a learning curve and only you can decide what is best for your story. Regards sandybays  Write On!!  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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You responded to this review 09/10/2012 @ 1:43pm EDT